Defenders of Middle Earth
by Hwesta
Summary: How would you like to spend your days working in Middle Earth? For Liz and Dave it’s the ideal job. The only snag is that they’re there to remove Mary-Sues… and some of them don’t want to leave… GUARANTEED PLOTSTORYLINE! COMPLETE
1. Chapter One: The Organisation

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Dedicated to my Dad and Catherine at Rangers, who didn't know what Mary-Sue's were! 

I've read a few stories on fanfiction.net using this idea, and longed to write one of my own... so here it is. Yet another "Removing-Mary-Sue's-from-Middle-Earth" story, but this time, I'm in charge! It's a 7-part series, already planned and written, with a definite end (for all those who get annoyed by stories trailing off into nothing!) You'll probably recognise ideas from loads of films/books. From the Matrix to Star-trek, from Nineteen Eighty-four to Enid Blyton's school stories!

Thanks to all those great authors. Hope you don't mind how I've adapted some of your ideas!

Normal disclaimer: If you recognise the character's name, then I don't own it. Very simple really! (I've decided that I cannot be bothered to argue with rampant PPC fans any more. So I'd just like to say well done to the writers of the PPC for independently creating a series of stories on the same theme. Destroying Mary-Sue's is a great way to pass the time. I'd recommend other people have a go!)

Just in case there are any readers who are not sure what Mary-Sue's are, here's a quick explanation! Mary-Sue's are normally (with a few exceptions!) 20th century girls who somehow (against all logical reasoning) manage to arrive in Middle Earth. They then proceed to brainwash the fellowship, totally change the plot, make characters act out-of-character and there's always a love affair (Normally with Legolas!) Reading a few of these can get very tedious because they're all the same. Reading quite a lot of these (by accident!) can turn the nice, gentle fanfiction reader into a raving lunatic, determined to destroy as many Mary-Sue's as possible!! I went for a slightly more civilised approach - poured my frustration into this story! You should be able to recognise lots of Mary-Sue themes recurring, along with the pleasure that the Wardens are picking them out one by one. They will all pass through the secretive "Recovery" Department. No one really knows what happens to them in there, but no Mary-Sue's emerge!! 

Hopefully this will be enough information, the story should now make sense!! 

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The Organisation

Cold, grey sludge.

No matter how you looked at it, it never appeared any more appetising. 

Liz sighed as she trudged away from the serving hatch, the food here was practically inedible. She crossed the noisy dining hall and flung the bowl onto a cheap plastic table with a clatter. 

"How can anyone eat this stuff" she complained. Dave looked up from his food and grinned.

"Complaining again Liz?" he asked in mock seriousness "Honestly, you should be more grateful." Liz scowled. 

"If I eat this, I'll probably die. Why should I be grateful. How can you digest it anyway?"

She glanced at his plate. Her mouth fell open in disbelief.

"How did you manage to get that?" she gasped. Dave's plate contained gently steaming bacon and fried eggs. Proper food. Dave laughed at her expression.

"I have an arrangement with the kitchen staff" he explained

"The kitchen staff?" Liz couldn't believe her ears.

"Well, one girl in particular" Dave waved at a girl serving at the counter. The girl giggled and ducked her head, blushing madly. Liz slumped back in her chair and tossed her chestnut hair back over her shoulder with a sigh of exasperation. 

"Why couldn't any of the kitchen staff be men" she muttered under her breath, plunging her spoon into the sludge. She let go and it remained upright, quivering slightly. 

Suddenly, her pocket started bleeping. Liz dug her hands deep and drew out handfuls of tissues, string, pencils & scraps of paper. She dumped each handful on the table, still rooting deeper for the cause of the bleeping. Dave watched the pile of rubbish grow higher.

"How can you find anything with so much rubbish in your pockets?" he asked.

Liz scowled. 

"It might come in useful one day." She retorted finally producing a small black object.

"Anyway, where is yours?" She asked trying to catch him out. Dave kept a grin on his face. 

"By the side of my bed. I know exactly where it is." Liz stuck her tongue out and turned the comlink on.

"Took you long enough" a familiar voice came from the com.

"Good morning to you too Sarita" Liz answered sarcastically.

"Alright, point taken. Can you get over here as soon as possible. There's another one coming. Oh, and tell Dave to get here too, he's not answering his comlink" 

There was a click and then the faint buzz of static.

Liz grinned across the table.

"Not answering your comlink. I don't know... at least mine is with me at all times!" She stood up quickly as Dave lobbed a spoon of baked beans in her direction.

"Come on, no time to eat, got to go now." She practically dragged Dave out of his seat and headed for the door.

"You'll have to work out your arrangement with the kitchen staff in time for lunch."

The door to the command centre automatically slid open with a faint hiss. Liz was always fascinated, yet out of place amongst all the high-tech equipment, terrified she'd break something. The huge monitor screens stretched almost from floor to ceiling, full of numbered data. Some sort of encoding she didn't understand. Sarita had tried to explain it once, but she'd got lost within the first few moments. It was something to do with Middle Earth obviously. Apparently the movements and actions of all people were contained in the numbers. Sarita said that you could read the code and know exactly what was happening down there. What a character was doing, thinking, even what the weather was like. Her eyes had lit up in excitement as she said this. Liz couldn't see how anyone could be excited by a load of numbers. She'd much rather be down on Middle Earth itself, actually watching the people do things, rather than the numbers doing things. That was why she loved her job so much. 

Liz and Dave wove their way through the command centre trying not to get into anyone's way. Sarita was sitting in front of a smaller monitor, her glossy black hair hanging straight down her back. Liz loved Sarita's hair. It was always so beautiful and never looked a mess. Self consciously she glanced at her reflection in a monitor, scowled, grabbed a band from her pocket and pulled her hair up out of the way.

Sarita was speaking into a small microphone attached to her ear piece. She turned around to read some figures off another monitor and caught sight of Liz and Dave. She beckoned them over.

Dave waited until she'd finished speaking then leaned over the back of her chair wrapping his arms around her neck.

"Miss me?" he asked. Sarita slapped his hands away.

"Get off, you idiot." she grinned. "Besides you're in disgrace. You're supposed to carry your comlink with you at all times." Liz gave a snort of laughter that she managed to turn into a cough. Dave pretended to look hurt.

"You mean that one little mistake will ruin our whole relationship?"

"What relationship?" Liz couldn't keep quiet any longer. "Come on Dave, you've never done anything but flirt like mad at the beginning of every mission. No wonder Sarita's getting sick of you!"

"Sick of me?" Dave tried even harder to look hurt, but failed miserably.

"Right, back to business" Sarita's tone became official and brisk. "Pretty routine operation this time. Typical Mary-Sue, normal intentions, lurking in wait just before Hollin." Sarita turned to the huge monitors, her eyes scanning over the data.

"Forget that, she's on the move. Having a bit of trouble with her heels in the mud, but very determined. At her current velocity, she'll meet the Fellowship in 15 minutes."

Liz stared blankly at the moving screen of numbers wishing she had enough intelligence to interpret it. 

"After Legolas as usual?" she asked. Sarita nodded

"Of course, I told you this was a boring routine operation."

"Oh no" Dave grinned. "These trips are never boring!" Sarita smiled.

"One day, I'd love to actually get down there." she said wistfully. "It must be much more interesting than here." Liz bit her lip to stop herself from agreeing.

"This is just as useful." She argued diplomatically. "We wouldn't know where or when Mary Sues were going to strike if it wasn't for your equipment.... Or your ability to read it" she added as an afterthought. 

Liz and Dave headed for the portal. The locker room next door was deserted. It was obviously a quiet morning. Three days ago there had been 3 Mary-Sue's attacking at once. Dave cringed slightly as he remembered the chaos. Each Mary-Sue has two Wardens attached to them in case something happens to one. That meant that there were 3 Mary-Sues, 6 Wardens including himself and Liz, all following the Fellowship. It had been a disaster. A lot of memory erasing of traumatised Fellowship members had to be completed before they could get home. 

Liz carefully removed her earrings and placed them in her locker. Unnecessary jewellery was forbidden in case it got lost and someone found it. The idea was to leave absolutely no traces of 21st century life in Middle Earth.

She pulled out a grey/green uniform jacket and her equipment belt. She strapped the belt around her slim waist. It was quite heavy, hopefully containing all the equipment she would need.

Dave finished binding the laces on his mud coated boots. He waited for Liz to slam her locker shut and they both headed for the portal.

"ID?" the portal operator asked. Dave inserted his card in the slot, the green light flashed and the barrier lifted. He stepped through onto the semi-circular shaped platform, the lights slowly brightening and dimming. He waited for Liz to bury through her pockets once more.

"I know I've got it somewhere" she said cheerfully, spilling tissues onto the floor. She finally produced a battered card, scooped up the tissues and stepped up next to Dave.

"Don't say anything" she hissed through gritted teeth seeing his smile.

"It will come in useful one day!" 

The lights started flickering quicker. Liz stood feet apart and pulled herself to her full height. This was the worst bit on the mission. The actual transformation to Middle Earth. Still, it had to be endured. 

The Portal operator set the co-ordinates on the control panel and slowly pulled the red lever. He watched the lights grow brighter, eventually dazzling to make him shade his eyes. He watched the two young Wardens gradually fade away, then the lighting returned to normal. Liz and Dave had gone. He checked the equipment to ensure they had landed safely, then put up his feet and pulled out a thick book. It would be a long time before he had to bring them back

Dave blinked and looked around as the trees swam into focus. He turned to Liz who was still standing rigid with her eyes squeezed tightly shut.

"We're here" he said softly and watched her relax. He never teased her about her fear of transportation. That wouldn't be fair. Besides, once she'd arrived she was one of the best. 

Sarita sat in front of the computer screen and watched the numbers that told her that her friends had arrived in middle earth safely. She adjusted the controls on her headpiece and started giving directions through the comlink.

The hill was very steep. Dave plodded slowly, panting heavily. Liz had the advantage of being smaller and lighter, she was several steps ahead, not as exhausted as he was. 

"Look" Liz had reached the summit and was pointing down the other side. Dave hauled himself level and bent over trying to catch his breath.

"You're so unfit!" Liz laughed trying to disguise the sound of her own panting.

Dave looked up slowly and saw what Liz was pointing at. The Fellowship, slowly making their way along the track in the valley below.

"Right," he said as soon as he could speak. "So, where's the Mary-Sue?" They both scanned the area carefully looking for a flash of Barbie-pink synthetic material. 

"What's that?" Dave asked pointing at a pink object in the mud. Liz squinted carefully.

"An abandoned high-heeled shoe" She concluded. "She's given up on the heels then. She must be close." 

They scanned the area again. Suddenly, there was a commotion coming from the Fellowship. Liz and Dave turned quickly in time to see a girl step from the bushes at the side of the road. Her hair shone unnaturally golden in the sunlight, her face almost dazzling perfect. Dave groaned slightly.

"Sarita must have given us the wrong directions. We're too late, she's got to them." 

They watched horrified as she sauntered straight up to Legolas who glanced behind him uneasily. She smiled a perfect smile and reached out a perfectly manicured hand to touch Legolas on the arm. He looked from the hand up to her face and froze. He was struck, nothing he could do. 

"Come on" Liz scrambled forward. "We've got to rescue him before it's too late."

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Sorry if you found this a bit tedious. I wanted to introduce the characters and the organisation before actually capturing any Mary-Sue's. The rest of the chapters have more action!

I have honestly never heard of the "Protectors of the Plot Continuum" before you told me. It's quite freaky how many similarities there are! Oh well, hopefully the style is different enough to be vaguely interesting!


	2. Chapter Two: Mary Sues

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Mary-Sues

Facing Mary-Sues was always a dangerous business. Liz had seen many different types over the months she'd been working with the organisation. She knew how violent they could become within a few seconds. 

She slid down the grassy slope, arms outstretched to keep her balance. Speed was of the essence. Once the girl got too far, it was much harder to erase memories without causing problems later on. On one of her first missions she had been a little enthusiastic and erased a little too much of Legolas' memory. When the next troop of Orcs came along they had all been in grave danger because he had forgotten how to shoot. It was a mistake she was keen not to repeat.

Liz vaulted down the final stretch into the ditch. She landed lightly absorbing the impact into a crouch. She looked up through the foliage and saw the Fellowship standing about arguing. The Mary-Sue was obviously winding her reel in even closer. Legolas was now following her blindly like a dog on a leash. She cringed slightly out of pity. The humiliation of being entrapped so easily was almost painful.

Dave landed beside her and followed her gaze up to the main track. 

"Do you have a plan?" he whispered.

"Yeah..." Liz's quick eyes scanned around the area. "There's nothing special about this one, I don't think she's even that dangerous. Plan A should be sufficient." 

Dave nodded glancing around to suss out the environment.

"Are you distracting or catching?" he asked. Liz eyed the Mary-Sue up and down.

"Distracting" she hissed back. "She's quite a bit taller than I am." Dave nodded

"Hurry up then. We've got to be quick before they spot us here."

Liz nodded and forced her way into the bushes, out of sight.

Dave waited in the ditch, his legs beginning to feel a bit cramped. He stretched them out one at a time, desperately trying to keep the circulation flowing. He kept his eyes rooted on the Fellowship and willed Liz to hurry up.

On the other side of the road, Liz forced her way through the foliage until she was right next to the path. She couldn't see Dave at all, his uniform carefully blending in with the surrounding camouflage. She took a deep breath and stepped out onto the path. Instantly ten pairs of eyes turned to stare suspiciously at her. 

"Good day to you kind sirs" she called approaching quickly. "Could you possibly tell me where I am, I seem to have lost my way."

Instantly the Mary-Sue had grabbed Legolas's bow and was aiming an arrow straight at Liz.

"Stay back!" she warned, her voice sweet like honey, but with a hidden menace like an enraged traffic warden.

"Take one more step, and I will kill you instantly. I am as skilled with a bow as Legolas here." Legolas meekly allowed himself to be presented, then he scuttled back out of sight. 

Liz tried to keep herself calm and thinking quickly. The presence of an arrow pointing at her chest didn't help. Where was Dave? What was taking so long? She had to keep the Mary-Sue distracted. Must keep her talking.

"Really?" she faked surprise. "I thought that the female anatomy made it physically impossible to be as good as men at archery. Better than untalented men perhaps, but I didn't think we had the muscular strength in our arms to pull back the long bow as far as it is needed. I'm sure other parts get in the way as well." she argued glancing briefly at the girl's voluptuous chest. The Mary-Sue was getting angry now.

"I am Mary Sue!" she screeched. Liz stifled a yawn. That name was so unoriginal.

"I can do all things, all you're going to do is die!" She pulled back the arrow further and prepared to release it. Liz glanced around anxiously. Where was Dave? This was getting a little too dangerous for comfort.

Suddenly, a grey blur emerged from the foliage and attacked Mary Sue. She screamed and released the arrow. Liz flung herself into the mud as the arrow sped over her head. She picked herself up and ran over to Dave who was struggling to keep her down. Liz grabbed a pair of handcuffs from her belt and knelt on the struggling figure as she fastened her hands together.

"You cut that a bit fine" she told Dave indignantly. "Next time, you try making conversation on the wrong side of an arrow." Dave didn't answer. Mary Sue raised her head slightly and started abusing Liz.

"You'll never get anywhere in life" she ranted. "Look at yourself, you look like something the cat dragged in." Liz looked at her mudsplattered uniform and wiped a steak of mud from her face. Her hair was escaping in large chestnut tufts.

"That's because I've just jumped in the mud to avoid your arrow" Liz answered sarcastically. Dave laughed 

"Since when have you ever cared what you look like? Ignore her Liz, you look as bad as normal." Liz focused on fixing the handcuffs tightly, her eyes pricking slightly. Did Dave mean to sound that cruel? Surely not. 

"What are you doing?" Legolas seemed to find his voice again. "What are you doing to her?" Dave got up and hauled Mary Sue to her feet. The girl's face was red and angry, there was mud splattered everywhere. She was screeching and swearing at the top of her voice. Didn't look so perfect anymore.

"We're taking her away" he said. "Don't worry anymore, just continue on your quest." He hauled Mary Sue around the corner and into the bushes, scooping up the deserted high-heeled shoe as he went. Liz was talking into the comlink.

"Ok Sarita, we're nearly ready to come back. I'm just going to erase the memories."

She took the memory eraser from her belt and stepped up to each member of the Fellowship in turn. She flashed the bright light into each of their eyes, watching their angry and confused expressions turn blank. 

Each member of the Fellowship blinked a few times and wondered what had just happened. They saw a strange mud-splattered girl with the remains of a chestnut ponytail stepping into the bush. Suddenly the bush glowed a bright light, then faded back to normal. They looked at each other in confusion. This kept happening. People in grey/green uniforms suddenly appearing and stepping out of sight, followed by a bright light. It was getting beyond a joke now.

"Must be the influence of the ring" Gandalf expressed on behalf of everyone. "The sooner we destroy it, the better." The Fellowship shrugged and continued trudging down the path. 

Back at base, Dave and Liz stepped off the portal still holding the struggling, angry Mary-Sue. There was a woman from the "Recovery" department waiting with a clipboard.

"Any problems?" she asked, filling in the date and time. 

"No" Dave replied. Liz glared at him, but remained silent.

"Right, let's get the basics completed" the woman continued. "Name?"

"Mary Sue" replied Liz with a wry smile. The woman sighed.

"Not again. Can't they come up with a more original name? Well she'll have to be Mary Sue_289 so that the records don't get confused. Place?"

"Near Hollin" Dave answered.

"And Target?" the woman finished.

"Legolas, of course" Mary Sue answered for herself, swinging her hair out of her eyes. "You don't think I'd go for anyone else?"

The woman sighed and took Mary Sue by the arm. 

"I really don't understand why you lot keep trying to mess up the Fellowship" she clucked like a mother hen. She escorted the girl out of the door and out of sight.

Dave turned to Liz and stretched out his arms with a yawn.

"That went well. You hungry?" Liz scowled at him then stormed off towards the door.

Dave looked puzzled. He followed and grabbed her shoulder, forcing her to face him.

"What's wrong?" he asked. Liz placed her hands on her hips angrily.

"Oh nothing really" she said sarcastically. "Just had an arrow pointed in my face by an angry Mary-Sue whilst my partner has a quick snooze in the ditch. I don't even get an apology or an explanation why it took so long to tackle her. After that I get insulted about my appearance. I'm sorry, but I'm not a Mary-Sue, I don't spend hours keeping my hair perfect." Dave sighed. 

"She was in the wrong position, I couldn't get her any earlier. I'm sorry. And I didn't think you normally care about what you look like."

"I didn't...don't" Liz hurriedly corrected herself. She met Dave's eyes and blushed, lowering her gaze "I just don't want to look a mess all the time... and no girl likes being told that they look a state." Dave hadn't seen it from that point of view

"I'm sorry" he admitted honestly. "Alright?"

Liz glanced at the floor and nodded slightly. She still looked a bit upset.

"You coming to eat?" Dave asked. Liz shook her head.

"I don't fancy grey sludge right now" she replied. "...and I don't have an arrangement with the kitchen staff." She turned and left. Dave sighed and made his way towards the canteen.

A couple of hours later, Dave made his way back to the command centre. He saw Liz had already arrived, she was laughing with Sarita. As he joined them, Liz smiled up at him. He was glad to see she was no longer angry. That was a good thing about Liz, her moods never lasted long.

"Right" Sarita instructed. "Now we're all here, I'd better fill you in on this Mary-Sue. This is an extremely unusual case. According to the data she hasn't arrived yet, we can tell by the friction here and here..." She pointed to groups of figures on the monitors. "That a window will open here in about 20 minutes time. We don't normally get this much warning so this girl must be either very powerful or very confused. If we can get you there right away, you can catch her unawares when she arrives. It will make it much easier, I'm sure." 

Dave agreed and headed towards the portal, Liz followed him quickly.

The transportation was quick and painless. They emerged in a field on the edge of the shire. Dave looked around the cornfield, it was deserted except for a scarecrow.

"This one must be after Frodo or Sam" he commented as he sat down to wait.

Liz plonked herself down next to him. 

"Probably Frodo" she said turning her face up to the warm sunlight. She was silent for a moment as if thinking about something.

"Do you know how the timing works?" she asked at last.

"What timing?" Dave replied.

"Well, the Fellowship think that they are on one continuous journey, but this morning we stopped a girl at Hollin, yesterday we had the psychopath on Caradhras, and now we've jumped to the Shire, events that took place months earlier on their timeline." Dave thought for a moment. He'd never really thought about it before.

"It is a bit strange." he admitted. "But I think of it as a totally different universe we look down on and can enter at any point in their time. It's not really connected to our time, except of course the amount of time we spend here is the same as passes with Sarita at home..." he cut off, realising he wasn't really making sense. "I bet Sarita can explain it better, ask her when we get back."

Liz lay down in amongst the golden corn and stared up into the blue sky.

"I'm not that desperate." she murmured sleepily. 

Dave picked a strand of corn and plucked the grains off one by one.

"I have to admit that I'm glad we don't normally know when Mary-Sue's are going to appear" he said lazily. "Just sitting, waiting gets really boring."

"Why," Liz asked. "Because you realise you have no conversational skills?"

Dave smiled grimly.

"Very funny," he said. "Fine, my turn for a philosophical question now. Do you think brainwashing the Fellowship permanently affects them?" 

Liz thought for a moment.

"Perhaps.." she contributed slowly. "Actually, I think it does, look at it from this direction. The two that get their memories cleared the most often are Legolas and Frodo. 90% of the time those two seem to be staring dreamily into space. I think we probably kill a few braincells each time." Dave threw the empty corn stick to the ground and picked another.

"That's what I thought" he added. "Do you think we should do it so often then?"

Liz sat up and dusted bits of stems off her jacket.

"If we don't brainwash them, they'll be stuck with the memories of what the Mary-Sues did to them" she concluded "That's much worse than losing a few braincells. No one seems to notice anyway." 

Suddenly the comlink started bleeping. Dave grabbed it and heard Sarita warning that the Mary-Sue was about to arrive. Liz pointed at the corner of the field near the scarecrow. The view seemed to twist open as if some powerful force was unscrewing a bottle lid. In the middle a black vortex materialised, streaks of colourful light shot out and danced across the field. A powerful wind started rushing from the centre. Dave and Liz stood side by side, mouths open in surprise, their hair flying about their faces. They had never seen a Mary-Sue actually arrive before, it was quite impressive. 

Suddenly a small girl flew out of the black vortex followed by a fluffy purple wolf with wings. The vortex faded away and the field returned to normal.

Dave and Liz strode over to the Mary-Sue, who couldn't have been more than 12. 

"Hi" Dave called casually. "Who are you, what are you doing here?" He could hardly believe that Mary-Sues were getting this young.

The girl stared up at them nervously with wide blue eyes. She was obviously terrified, certainly not the stereotypical Mary-Sue.

"My name's Louella-Grace" she stammered. "I..I just wanted to see Frodo."

"I'm afraid you can't" Liz soothed. "He's a bit busy at the moment, why don't you come with us." The girl looked unsure for a moment then took Liz's outstretched hand. Dave turned to look at the fluffy purple wolf with wings, trying not to laugh.

"Ahhh, what a sweet pet, what is he called?" he asked patronisingly, reaching out a hand to stroke it. The pet snarled and snapped at his hand, sharp white teeth sank into his little finger. Dave gave a cry, snatched his hand back in a hurry and inspected the damage. A few drops of blood welled up and he glared fiercely at the purple monstrosity as it hovered to rest loyally on its owners shoulder.

"He's called Fluffy" Louella-Grace replied. Liz pulled a reasonably clean tissue from the multitude in her pocket and gave it to Dave with a smile.

"Told you they'd come in useful!" she said, trying hard not to crack up as she requested portal pickup. 

Dave was extremely glad to hand the little girl and her vicious purple brute over to the "Recovery team" His warnings about the creature's temperament were met with laughter. 

"But he's so sweet!" the woman smiled, leading the girl away. As he headed off, he heard a snap and a cry of pain. A knowing smile fleeted across his face.

He was aiming for the common room, his hand bandaged conspicuously for maximum sympathy, when he heard his name being called urgently. He turned to see Sarita waving desperately. 

"Dave, Liz, I know you've officially finished your shift, but we've got an emergency."

Liz rolled her eyes skywards and sighed. She had been hoping for a relaxing evening. 

"What is it? Can't you get someone else to do it?" Dave replied wearily.

"No, they're all unavailable" came Sarita's desperate reply.

"Well...can't it wait till morning? Surely Legolas can survive one night with a Mary-Sue, we'll just increase the power of the memory eraser."

"Noo.. you don't understand." Sarita was almost frantic. "We haven't got much time. This one isn't after Legolas, she's after Aragorn..."

"Makes a change" Dave interrupted casually.

"Will you listen to me for one moment!" Sarita shouted. Dave and Liz were silent at once. They exchanged a puzzled look, they couldn't remember the last time she had yelled at them. Sarita took a deep breath.

"This Mary-Sue is a complete psychopath, worse than the one you dealt with yesterday on Caradhras. She's heading for Rivendell now." Sarita looked at the other two for a reaction.

"Don't you see?" she continued. "She's going to murder Arwen."

There was a split second as this news slowly sank in. Then as one, Liz and Dave turned and raced for the portal. This was a race against time...

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The little girl was fun to write about, especially her vicious pet! Notice the dangers the Wardens have to face in order to keep Middle Earth safe from the most terrifying enemy yet!

Unlike the PPC - I don't kill Mary-Sues. I think murder is a bit too strong… but they certainly can't be left to their own devices. All Mary-Sues are immediately met by a representative from the "Recovery" department, where they are taken for "treatment." Only authorised people are allowed down there. There's an awful lot of security and secretive blacked out windows. No one except for the workers knows exactly what happens to the Mary-Sues… and they're not telling! Perhaps it's like room 101 in the book "Nineteen Eighty-four"!! 


	3. Chapter Three: Psycho!

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Psycho!

The evening sunlight bathed the valley of Rivendell in a golden glow. The wind rustled gently in the trees, the birds singing cheerfully. The waterfalls slowly tumbled down with wreaths of majestic white spray and two figures in muddy grey/green uniforms hurtled down the winding gravel track towards the home of Elrond.

Dave skidded as he turned the corner sending a shower of pebbles plummeting over the cliff to the valley far below.

Eventually they both made it safely to the bottom of the hill. Liz glanced around hurriedly, everything looked normal.

"Did we get here first?" she panted heavily. Dave didn't have the breath to answer. He managed to drag himself over to the nearest building and look down into the marbled courtyard. There were a number of elves gathered together talking. He scanned their faces quickly. He picked out Elrond easily, then with a sigh of relief he spotted Arwen. So the Mary-Sue hadn't arrived yet.

"She's safe" he said at last.

Liz collapsed to the ground and leant heavily against the marble wall. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply.

"Never..." she panted. "Never make me run like that again!" 

Dave landed next to her and waited for his breathing to return to normal.

"So what's our plan?" he asked at last. Liz thought for a moment.

"Let's find out where the Mary-Sue is, we can work from there." She took the comlink from her belt and turned it on. The familiar hiss of static gradually faded away, leaving an ominous silence. She shook the comlink viciously and tried again. Still no sound, the comlink had totally died. She tried contacting Sarita anyway, with no success. Eventually she flung the comlink to the ground where it lay amongst the plants.

"Great." she said sarcastically. "We have no communication."

She rose to her feet, slunk her hands deep in her pockets and paced across the yard. Suddenly she turned with a yell of frustration and kicked the comlink viciously against the wall.

"How could I have been so stupid!" she cried, her hands tearing at her hair. "I forgot to recharge the batteries. What are we going to do?" Dave looked down at the useless black object and sighed.

"It's not your fault. I forgot about the batteries as well. If it's anyone's fault it's mine. I should have brought my comlink. It's supposed to be with me at all times remember, I couldn't even be bothered to fetch it from my room. We'll sort something out." Liz turned to face him, her eyes wide and almost panicky.

"What can we sort out?" she cried desperately. "We can't find out where anyone is or what anyone is doing. We can't even request transport home. This has got to be the best fix we've got into yet." She sank to her knees and buried her head in her hands. Dave moved over and put an arm around her shoulders.

"Cheer up" he said at last. "We've got through other fixes before, we'll make our way out of this one. We'll just have to work a bit differently, adapt our methods." 

He glanced over the marble wall to check Arwen was still there.

"The most important thing, is to keep Arwen safe. We need to keep an eye on her at all times. Other than that, we'll just have to rely on our normal senses, I'm sure we could both spot a Mary-Sue miles off, even without modern technology."

Liz sniffed and raised her head.

"It would probably be best to split up then" she contributed. She reached out and grasped the useless comlink, attaching it back on her belt. 

"If I can blend in with the elves, I'll keep a close guard on Arwen. A bodyguard if you like. You wander around and find the Mary-Sue, she'll turn up eventually." Dave thought about the plan for a moment, then agreed.

"Do you think you'll be able to blend in?" he asked a little concerned, looking at her appearance.

"I'll be fine" Liz grinned, the sparkle returning to her brandy brown eyes. "I've got a qualification in drama, my acting is not too bad. Besides, they clean and clothe Mary-Sues all the time, what's one more?"

She rose to her feet and looked down into the courtyard. 

"We'd better meet up at regular intervals" she suggested. 

"Fine, starting down by that fountain, one hour from now" Dave agreed. Liz nodded and made her way towards the staircase leading down to the courtyard.

Dave watched Liz from above. She was soon talking with some elves including Arwen, her arms flying wide as she told her story. He watched the sympathy on their faces grow and they led her away inside. She quickly glanced up at him before entering the building, and winked. Now he was on his own.

The first thing he did was search the entire perimeter for possible entrances. The problem with Rivendell was the open planning that meant there were hundreds of ways a Mary-Sue could enter. He sighed and started searching the entire building from top to bottom. This was going to be a long evening.

An hour later he was waiting by the fountain impatiently, the friendly little lamps glowing in the gathering dusk. He had received a few odd looks from some of the elves, but the memory eraser had solved that. He glanced at his watch yet again, willing Liz to hurry up.

A movement by the wall in the corner caught his attention. He watched a young woman edge out cautiously, her eyes darting in all directions. She was human judging by the ears and pretty enough to be the Mary-Sue, perhaps a little shorter than average, but you couldn't be too stereotypical. More than anything, Dave wished the comlink was still working. It would be so easy to check with Sarita whether this girl was the impostor. The cases in elvish cities were always the worst. There were too many beautiful woman about too be sure. 

Dave felt in his belt for his weapon. It was a standard issue stunner with a range of 2 meters, small enough to fit in the hand, yet powerful enough to render the victim unconscious for about 15 minutes. If this Mary-Sue was a psychopath, there was no way he was taking any chances. The girl spotted him and hurried towards the fountain. Dave pulled out the stunner and aimed ready to fire. The girl froze immediately

"Don't shoot!" came a familiar voice. "Dave, you idiot. It's me!" 

Dave's mouth nearly hit the floor.

"Liz?" he cried in disbelief. She smiled and hurried over towards him.

"Sorry I'm a bit late" she apologised. "The hairdresser wouldn't let me go." Dave looked her up and down in amazement. The hair was the same colour, but twisted up in an elaborate hairstyle. The blue dress clung to her slim body, then flowed like shimmering water. Only her eyes were the same. The mischief twinkling at his expression. 

"You look... different" he managed to say at last. "I don't think I've ever seen you in a dress before." Liz laughed 

"I told you I'd blend in" she smiled. "Here, put this cloak over your uniform, you'll blend in better. The Mary-Sue will probably arrive at any time now, the dancing is about to begin." She turned to look behind her as wafts of music floated up into the courtyard. 

"Look, I'd better go and stick close to Arwen. You know what I look like now, come find me if you need me." She hurried off back into the building.

The next couple of hours passed slowly. Dave continuously patrolled the building every 20 minutes, the rest of the time pacing up and down the gallery keeping an eye on the dancers below. He watched Liz sticking close to Arwen, sometimes laughing and talking to her. Sometimes dancing, a few steps away from her side. 

He leant on the gallery railing and scanned the entire room, from the great staircase to the shadowy corners. There were so many people milling around, this job was almost impossible. He caught Liz's eye. She smiled and turned away again. Dave watched her for a few moments. She looked so different dressed up, it was so weird. 

Suddenly, he noticed a young woman sneaking out of a doorway onto the gallery. She looked suspicious, glancing around as if looking for someone, but Dave had already made one mistake that evening, he couldn't afford another one.

He moved away from the railing and walked past the woman, accidentally-on-purpose jolting her. 

"Oh I'm sorry" he apologised, reaching out to steady her. The girl smiled sweetly at him, Dave watched as her eyes changed colour from green to blue. The proof! No normal person's eyes change colour. 

Dave threw his arm around her and slammed her against the wall.

"Game's up" he said. "Come quietly and you won't get hurt. No killing Arwen today." The girl's face contorted into a grimace, a red tinge crept into the edges of her eyes, peering through her waist length blonde hair.

"Don't say that name in front of me. I'll kill her! She stole my Aragorn." Dave wrestled with the Mary-Sue trying to fix her hands in the handcuffs. 

"What's your name?" Dave ordered, trying to keep a grip on the flailing wrists.

"Tamora-Goneril, Call me Goneril." she answered, still fighting against the cuffs.

"That's nice" Dave replied. "Named after two of Shakespeare's nastiest characters?"

Goneril didn't reply. She had noticed someone approaching, a plan forming in her mind.

"Help!" she suddenly screeched. "This man is attacking me!" The elf turned immediately and hurried over. 

"What are you doing? Leave her alone!" he cried. Dave turned to explain but Goneril was waiting. She kicked Dave as hard as she could, then threw him backwards onto the floor, the impact making him bite his lip. She turned and thrust the well-intentioned elf against the railing out of the way, running for the stairs down towards the main dancing floor. 

Dave tried to prise himself off the floor, he raised one hand to his lip and tasted the sting of blood. He watched Goneril hurry to the top of the grand staircase, pulling a dagger out of her dress, her face set in a determined expression. He couldn't stop her now.

"Liz!" he yelled as loud as he could. "She's coming!"

Liz stopped still in the middle of the dance and turned as soon as she heard Dave call her name. A couple of elves behind kept moving and bumped into her, but she didn't notice. She gazed frantically around the room and spotted Goneril running down the great staircase, the dagger raised above her head. An ear-splitting bellow came from Goneril as she spotted Arwen in the middle of the crowd. 

Liz pushed her way towards Arwen and manhandled her towards the edge of the crowd. Arwen started protesting, but Liz didn't take any notice. She turned back to see Goneril coming closer. It was if everything was happening in slow motion. The elves parted, screaming like the red sea. A passageway opened from the staircase to Liz and Arwen in the corner. Goneril was running, running. The dagger glinting in the candlelight, a crazed expression in her eyes.

Liz felt for a weapon in her belt and froze when her hand came to nothing but dress fabric. How could she have been so stupid! Her belt was in the other room with the rest of her uniform.

Liz backed as far into the shadowy corner as she could. By now Arwen had seen the danger and was whimpering slightly. She saw Dave hurrying down the stairs, he'd never make it in time. She had to do something... fast.

Suddenly her fingers brushed the cold metal of a candelabra. An idea struck her. She seized the metal pole with both hands and swung it out in front of her. The candles extinguished immediately, and hot wax dripped all over the floor. But she had a weapon.

As Goneril came at her, she swung the metal candelabra at her head. Goneril caught the blow with her dagger, the clash of metal on metal ringing through the hall. Liz locked her brandy brown eyes with Goneril's reddish tinged ones through the cross of metal separating them. Both faces portrayed severe determination. Both pushing the other with surprising strength. Liz broke the lock and swung at Goneril again. The two girls fought on the dance floor, the elves backed out of the way into a ring watching them from the distance. The skirts swished, the metal clashed in crazy dance movements. Liz succeeded in forcing Goneril away from Arwen, but wasn't sure how much longer she could keep fighting for. Where was Dave?

Suddenly, Goneril stuck her foot out, and Liz tripped over. She went flying to the floor, the pole clattering across the floor out of reach. Goneril turned immediately towards Arwen and noticed that Dave was standing between them. His lip was still bleeding and starting to swell, but he was holding the stunner. Goneril turned her gaze back to Liz who was slowly rising to a sitting position. With a lightening quick movement she seized Liz from behind and pressed the sharp dagger against her neck.

"Don't move, don't shoot" she cried out to Dave. "If you do, I'll kill your girlfriend."

Dave came to an awkward halt and looked from Arwen to Liz & Goneril thinking quickly.

"Hurt her if you like, she's not my girlfriend" he commented casually, trying to distract Goneril's attention. 

"I'll kill your friend then. But if you give me Arwen, I'll give you back your partner." Dave looked at Liz who shook her head as far as she could with the dagger pressed against her neck.

"All right." Dave said slowly at last. An idea was dawning. "We'll swap...on the count of three..." Liz's eyes opened wide. 

"What are you doing?" she cried. Goneril jerked her head backwards painfully and she let out a gasp. 

"He's being sensible." Goneril replied. "Like you should be."

Dave tried to catch Liz's eyes. He had to get the message across, they needed to work together.

"One..." he said swinging Arwen round in front of him. Arwen was pale and trembling.

"Nooo!" Liz cried until she caught Dave's eyes. 

"Two..." Dave continued, not breaking eye contact with Liz, hoping she'd somehow understand. Liz stared up at him silently, then nodded ever so slightly, secretly moving her hand into position.

"Three!" Dave thrust Arwen forward. Goneril looked up to watch, Liz dug her nails deep into Goneril's flesh. Goneril let out a yell and released the pressure on the dagger. Liz rolled out from under her grip and Dave pushed Arwen out of the way, flung his arm out and fired the stunner. Goneril collapsed to the floor, the dagger sliding out towards the watching guests. 

All the elves watched in horrified silence. Nobody moved. Dave stepped over to Liz and helped her to her feet.

"You OK?" he asked. She nodded and pointed to his swollen lip. 

"You?" she asked. 

"No problem." He turned and gazed around the crowded ballroom. He passed her the memory eraser and grabbed Goneril under her armpits, slowly hauling her across the floor and out into another room. 

Gradually the crowd started to come to life, talking excitedly. Liz moved quickly through the crowd, erasing memory after memory. No one seemed to take much notice of her until she came to Arwen.

"Thanks" Arwen said flinging her arms around Liz's neck. "Take this pendant as a sign of my gratitude. I'll never forget what you did for me." Liz smiled a wry smile as she took the pendant.

"Yes you will." she commented, pressing the memory eraser. Arwen blinked a couple of times and looked at Liz curiously. 

"Do I know you?" she asked.

"No" Liz smiled, "It doesn't matter. Just, be careful."

She turned and made her way through the crowded ballroom, Arwen watched her go curiously. 

Liz grabbed her uniform pile, then found Dave and the unconscious Goneril in a small side room. She barred the door behind them and collapsed into a chair. 

"I'm glad that's over." she said at last. "Now we just have to wait for Sarita to pick us up." Dave nodded grimly.

"Yep, then we'll have to face the Boss as to why we only had one comlink between us and why we allowed the batteries to die." 

They sat in miserable silence until the room started to glow... 

A few seconds later they stepped off the portal and handed the unconscious Goneril over to the "Recovery" team. Liz marched into the locker room and started putting things away. Dave followed her slowly and closed the door into the locker room behind them. 

"Liz?" he said slowly.

"Uh huh." Liz was concentrating on something else. Dave stood beside her uneasily

"I just wanted you to know that I didn't mean what I told Goneril" he said at last, running a hand through his hair. Liz looked puzzled for a moment, then realised.

"Oh, about not caring if she hurt me? I know." She turned back to her locker.

Dave took a big breath and dug his hands deep into his pockets.

"When she had the dagger next to your throat, I was scared." he admitted. "I was afraid I was going to lose you." Liz froze, no longer seeing anything in her locker. She turned slowly, the dress ripped by the dagger, her hair escaping from the elaborate hairstyle.

"You mean?" she asked quietly. 

Suddenly the door burst open and the Boss strode in. 

"David Thompson, Elizabeth Lyon. I want you both in my office, Now!" he bellowed. "You've got a lot of explaining to do. Starting with the comlink." 

Liz secretly grimaced at Dave and made her way towards the door. Dave sighed and followed her. 

****

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This chapter may not make an awful lot of sense if you've just read Sardwen! I just wanted to prove that I don't hate Arwen! Hopefully she doesn't come across _too_ badly here!

As for the suits - I think the trouble with running up hill was more to do with the gradient and steepness of the slope rather than the suits. Ideally, they are designed to be practical, therefore, they should be easy to move about in. Sorry if I gave you the wrong idea!


	4. Chapter Four: Daily Life

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Daily Life

The common room was full of people lounging about on the chairs and chatting. Liz finished telling the story of yesterday's adventures to her mates. They were listening open mouthed when she described how Goneril had seized her from behind and pressed the knife against her throat. 

"What did you do?" squealed Jessica excitedly. Jessica worked downstairs in the "Recovery" department. She'd never been down to Middle Earth and loved hearing stories of how the Mary-Sues were caught before they were delivered to her.

"I can guess" Tony said slowly, leaning back into a spongy armchair. He was another Warden telling similar stories of his adventures. Sean threw his notepad on the table in disgust as he sat on the floor.

"I can't figure out how to integrate those stupid field equations" he complained in his wonderful Irish accent. "Why do I still work with physics?" He noticed everyone was staring at him blankly in confusion, eventually realised he was interrupting and told Liz to carry on. 

"Well..." Liz continued. "First I..."

A bleeping started up from her pocket. Liz buried for her newly-charged comlink amongst the accumulated rubbish and answered it.

"Hiya Liz, can you get up here quickly. New job approaching." Sarita called.

Liz agreed and stood up to leave.

"You can't go now!" Jessica cried, "I want to know what happened!" Tony laughed.

"She's got to go, you can't leave the Fellowship with that horror waiting over them! Do you want me to tell you about the Mary-Sue I caught yesterday?"

Liz left the common room quickly with a smile on her face. Jessica would be waiting for her when she returned.

Liz made her way over to Sarita and Dave in the Command centre. Sarita looked a lot calmer than the last time they'd seen her. 

"Got your comlink?" was the first question Sarita asked. Liz grinned and held it out. Dave showed his as well.

"Did you survive the Boss' grilling?" Sarita continued, busy typing some data into the computer. 

"Just about" Dave laughed. "Where are we heading now then?"

"Helms Deep" Sarita replied without looking up. "Target Legolas, Method... unknown. Good luck!" 

The portal was in use when they arrived. They got changed quickly and waited as two Wardens appeared in view carrying a limp Mary-Sue. 

"Everything OK?" Dave asked as the Wardens stepped off the platform. Jean pulled a face as she handed the Mary-Sue over to the "Recovery" department representative.

"She was after Gimli!" she said in disgust. "I feel quite sick!"

Liz pulled a face as she inserted her card and waited for the barrier to lift. 

"Yuck!" she said.

They arrived in a dark passageway within the fortress. Dave pulled out his comlink.

"Hey Sarita, where is she?" he asked. There was a few seconds pause before Sarita's reply.

"She's with the women and children, she's arguing with someone, Éowyn I think. She wants to join Legolas."

"What a surprise" Liz sighed. "I expect she thinks she can defeat all 10,000 Orcs out there single handed as well." 

They started down the corridor heading for the entrance to the glittering caves. The passageway became busier, men striding in all directions carrying swords, coats of mail, arrows.

"Can you hear something?" Dave said suddenly. Liz stopped and listened. A faint rhythmical thudding, steadily growing loader. 

"The battle is about to begin." she cried. "We've got to be quick." 

The men heard the thudding too and started to panic slightly, running up and down the corridors, making sure they were prepared to fight. Suddenly one man ran into Dave by accident. He apologised, then looked at Dave closely. 

"What are you doing here?" he asked. "All men able to fight should be out on the walls." he turned to Liz. "And you should be down in the Glittering Caves with the Women and children." 

Dave reached unconcerned to his belt and brought out his memory eraser. He erased the man's memory and turned to go. The man blinked a few times, started running and collided with Dave again.

"What are you doing here?" he asked again. "All men able to fight..."

Dave tutted in annoyance and activated the memory eraser again. The man blinked looked at him in surprise then started up again.

"What are you doing here..." Liz laughed. 

"You'd better go" she said, "He's not going to give up. Just don't get yourself killed, I'll look for the Mary-Sue then collect you when I've found her." She paused as she saw the man's expression.

"I...uh..I mean to say that I'm... uh... just heading for the Glittering Caves" she corrected to pacify him. 

The glittering caves were full of frightened women and snivelling children. The rhythmic thudding was much louder now, the cave walls vibrated, and the echoes passed around the walls. Liz stood on the steps near the cave entrance and let her eyes pass over the women, searching for the Mary-Sue, with no success. All the womens' hair was ratted and tangled. The Mary-Sue would have stood out with her immaculate hair, perfect - no matter what she'd been through. 

A flash of smooth blonde locks caught her eye. She hurried down the steps and followed the figure around the pillar. The hair was beautiful, surely too beautiful to have survived fleeing from her homeland and preparing for battle.

Liz reached out a hand and tapped the woman on the back. She spun around, a child in her arms. It was Éowyn. Liz sighed in exasperation.

"Have you seen a girl with perfect hair? She'd be obsessed about Legolas." Liz asked

Éowyn's expression darkened. 

"She refused to stay," she replied "When I insisted, she pushed me hard against the cave wall, and terrified this poor child. You're welcome to her. She went to find him." Éowyn turned to return the child to its mother.

Liz sped up the stairs two at a time. She didn't have much time.

Liz ducked through the doorway outside and let out a gasp as the freezing rain soaked through her uniform. She tried to make her way towards the front of the battlements where Legolas should be. She couldn't see a Mary-Sue anywhere. The battle had already begun.

Liz shook her loose hair out of her eyes, the rain was fast turning it into wet rat-tails, she couldn't see anyone she recognised. She tried to force her way past two burly soldiers. They pushed her back and ordered her to return to the Glittering Caves.

Lightening lit up the sky for a second revealing the sheets of pouring rain and the masses of Orcs spread as far as the eye could see. Liz caught her breath, afraid. She was lucky. All she had to do was contact Sarita and she'd be lifted out of there. These men had no such choice, many of them were going to die. They needed all the fighters they had. They didn't need a Mary-Sue getting in the way. 

Liz dove under the men's arms and managed to force her way through towards Aragorn. He was shouting orders to his men, sending waves of arrows down to the Orcs below. 

Liz waited till he'd finished one set of orders and yanked his arm.

"Have you seen Legolas?" she asked. Aragorn's face grew dark.

"Not another woman!" he yelled. "Get below, you stupid girl." Liz ducked as an arrow flew past her head. Aragorn shoved her out of the way.

"I haven't seen him" he replied. "He's probably fighting somewhere, now get out before you get killed."

Liz moved along the battlements searching desperately. A hand reached out and grabbed her by the shoulder. It took Liz a couple of seconds to blink the rain water out of her eyes and recognise Dave under the helmet. 

"Any luck?" he hissed. Liz shook her head, 

"I can't find her or Legolas anywhere." she replied. Dave thought for a second

"Maybe they're together" he said. "Perhaps she kidnapped him? Ask Sarita."

Liz fumbled for her comlink and hoped the rain wouldn't cause it to stop working.

Back at base, Sarita's eyes moved over the long list of numbers moving over the computer screens. 

"You're right" she replied into the mouthpiece. "She has kidnapped him, they're in a small room downstairs, I'll direct you. You'd better hurry up, he's supposed to save Aragorn's life in a few minutes. If he's not there, Aragorn will be killed and the entire plot and story continuum will disintegrate." Sarita took a deep breath to calm herself down.

"OK," she continued. "Start by heading down the nearest staircase."

Liz hurried along the corridor, her heart beating uncomfortably.

"Turn left here" Sarita's voice came from the comlink. Liz turned and broke into a run, her wet feet making squeaking noises on the stone floor.

"Stop. She's on your right, about 3 meters away." Sarita instructed. Liz skidded to a

halt and gazed desperately around the stone corridor, the darkness broken only by a flickering torch. She quickly found the wooden door to the room, it was firmly closed. Liz listened for a few seconds, was she imagining it, or was that a muffled, cry for help. She took the burning torch down off the wall and kicked the door down.

It crashed noisily to the floor, Liz jumped over the wreckage and stormed in, brandishing the torch dangerously, hoping she wouldn't see anything too horrific. 

Legolas was tied firmly to a chair, his mouth gagged, his eyes wide with fear. The Mary-Sue leapt up off his lap and flew wildly at Liz, practically breathing flames. Liz stood calm and unperturbed. She reached into her belt, brought out a stunner and fired.

The Mary-Sue collapsed unconscious to the floor. Liz walked over to Legolas who was absolutely petrified. 

"What did she do to you?" Liz whispered as she started to untie the bonds. "Actually, forget that, I don't want to know." she corrected herself. "I expect you want to forget it too." she asked. Legolas just stared at her blankly, fear still obvious on his face.

Liz finished untying him and erased his memory. He blinked a few times and stared characteristically into space. 

"We really should stop erasing your memory," Liz muttered to herself. "I'm sure it's affecting you permanently." Legolas finally realised something was wrong.

"Where am I?" he asked. Liz smiled

"You're in the fortress of Helms Deep. Your friends are fighting a battle upstairs, You had better go join them, Aragorn needs you to save his life in..." Liz glanced at her watch "...5 minutes time. You'd better hurry." Legolas didn't need telling twice, he leapt out of the room and along the corridor. 

"What will they think of me for deserting them!" he cried as he ran up the corridor.

"They'd pity you, if they knew what you'd been through" Liz said under her breath as she turned her attention back to the Mary-Sue.

Dave appeared at the door, removing his helmet. 

"I saw Legolas return" he explained. "I decided it was safe to desert the army. Do you know how difficult that was? The contract we signed said that we are not allowed to affect the paths of LOTR characters. I had to stand there and deliberately miss the Orcs in case one of them does something major later on in the plot continuum. That didn't stop them firing at me though, What a nightmare!"

He collapsed next to the Mary-Sue. 

"Sometimes I wish I had a safer job" he complained.

"No you don't" Liz replied as she contacted Sarita. "You'd be bored doing anything else." Dave grinned

"You know me too well," he said as the room started to glow.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Four hours later they were trekking through Fangorn Forest. The Mary-Sue they were tracking was a reoccurrer, extremely unusual. Normally they emerged from the "Recovery" Department totally changed, some even became reasonably normal people. Few people knew what went on down there, but Mary-Sue's went in, and no Mary-Sue's came out. Liz was suspicious that the calculations didn't quite add up. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know what happened the ex-Mary-Sue's that never emerged. 

The forest was stuffy and airless, Dave loosened his collar.

"This Mary-Sue must be quite desperate" he commented. "Why else would she follow Legolas in here?"

"They're all desperate." Liz replied. "and they're almost all dangerous."

Suddenly, Liz felt something grasping her around her waist. She looked down to see knobbled brown fingers squeezing her body as she was lifted off the ground. She let out a cry of surprise and terror until she was held face to face with a pair of deep, penetrating eyes. 

"Hrum, Hoom... Not another one" came an old, deep voice. "Already had one in my forest today." He tightened his grip and Liz gasped in pain.

"Treebeard, stop. Please." The Ent stopped at once in surprise. 

"How do you know my name" he asked suspiciously. 

"I just do." Liz replied. "I'm a friend. Don't hurt me." Treebeard stopped squeezing, but still held her tightly. 

"Who are you?" he asked at last.

"I'm Liz" she said skipping over the details, "You've already had 'one' what today?" Treebeard gave a grunt of disgust. 

"One of those stupid girls running around, messing everything up." His voice rose in anger. 

"I'm not a Mary-Sue" Liz cried indignantly. "We're looking for the one you saw earlier, we want to take her away, make her leave you in peace. Do you know where she is?" Treebeard started humming awkwardly under his breath.

"Hrum, hoom... yes." he said at last. 

"Where?" asked Liz and Dave in unison.

Treebeard looked down and lifted his foot.....

It took several minutes for Liz to stop being sick after she saw the remains of the Mary-Sue's body. 

"Have we still got to take it home?" she asked Dave desperately, her fingers stroking the pendant Arwen gave her for comfort. 

"Yep" Dave replied after checking back at base. 

"But it's revolting" she shuddered. She glared up at Treebeard who had the grace to look sorry. 

"Next time you see a Mary-Sue, wait for us to remove it. Don't squish it! I don't care what you do to Orcs, we don't have to take them home." Liz glanced at the body in disgust. 

"I always said don't be hasty" Treebeard sighed. "But she was so annoying..." 

The representative from the "Recovery" department was waiting with a plastic sack at the portal. Dave helped her manoeuvre the body into the sack. Liz ran for the sink.

A few minutes later she stormed angrily towards Sarita. 

"How come?" she exclaimed. "How come you can read enough detail into those stupid code-y things to direct me to the room Legolas is in, but you conveniently 'forget' to warn me that this Mary-Sue has been squished by Treebeard."

Sarita glared at Liz. 

"It's not my fault. How can I do everything at once. Here." She stood up and pushed Liz down onto her revolving chair. She removed the headpiece and placed the earpiece in Liz's ear and arranged the microphone by Liz's mouth. 

"You do it, if you're so clever!" she cried.

Liz listened to the babble of different voices asking different questions for a few moments. She looked up at the list of coded data that didn't make any sense to her. She removed the headpiece reluctantly.

"Sorry." She muttered "I couldn't do this job, I don't appreciate everything you do."

Sarita smiled and pushed Liz out of the seat, placing the headpiece back on her own head. 

"No problem, Just let me get on with it!" she said as she replied to a request from the earpiece. Liz turned and headed back towards the common room.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Dave hurried along the corridor towards the Girls dormitories. He knew Liz was in room 19, but the numbering didn't seem to make any sense. Finally he found the correct number and rapped on the closed door. There was no answer. He banged again.

Inside room 19, Liz was dreaming of the Battle of Helms Deep. She became aware of the thudding noise echoing through the torch lit corridors, becoming louder and louder. Suddenly she woke up. The thudding was real, someone was at the door calling her name. She reached for her alarm clock to look at the time. 3:24am. 

"Liz" Sarita's muffled voice came from the bunk below. "If you don't answer that door right now, I'm going to kill you."

"And me" came Jean from the bunk opposite.

"I'm killing the person at the door." Jessica had to be different.

Liz draped her legs over the edge of the bed and slid to the floor. She picked her way past various piles of scattered clothes and eventually got to the door. She wrenched it open and Dave nearly fell inside.

"What are you doing!" Liz exclaimed. "It's twenty past three in the morning. What do you want?"

"We're needed right now" he replied breathlessly. "Didn't you know we were on night duty tonight and tomorrow?" Liz groaned and ran her fingers through her tousled hair. 

"Give me 5 minutes" she sighed closing the door in his face.

It was strange seeing someone else in Sarita's chair. Ben introduced himself as Liz stumbled yawning towards him.

"I get the easy job." he laughed. "Mary-Sue's are not that common at night, most are too busy catching up on their beauty sleep to try and force a way into Middle Earth. Still, there are a few exceptions."

It was strange arriving in broad daylight, knowing you left home at night. Liz yawned again as she struggled up the hill. 

"Stupid Mary-Sue's" she muttered under her breath.

"They're not that bad, they give you a job" Ben's voice came from the comlink.

"You heard me?" Liz answered in surprise.

"Yep, I can always hear you when the comlink is switched on. Remember that Sarita has about 5 conversations to deal with at once. You have my undivided attention" he finished. 

"Enough of the flattery, leave her alone." Dave sounded a little annoyed. "Just tell us where this stupid girl is."

"Right" Ben studied the moving data screens. "Hmmm..It's a bit complicated" he commented. "There's a lot of Orcs around. I think she's... ah yes, she's about 500 meters away on your right. She's heading towards you."

Dave and Liz changed direction and started crashing through the undergrowth. The Mary-Sue was easy to find. She was striding through the woods purposely, her clothes resembled a warrior but her waist length ebony hair was flowing in the gentle breeze, a jewel encrusted sword was by her side.

Dave distracted her, bending on one knee and taking her hand. The Mary-Sue stood there as if she had seen men do this many times before. Quick as a flash, Dave grabbed her other hand and Liz clamped them together in the handcuffs.

The Mary-Sue gave out a howl of rage and tried to get herself free. 

"Release me at once!" she screamed, "Or I'll set Legolas on you." Liz laughed. 

"You'll have to come up with a better threat than that!" The Mary-Sue froze, staring into the bushes. A slow smile crept over her face.

"How about... Orcs" she said nastily. 

"Orcs?" Dave asked looking around. To his horror he saw the bushes moving and Orcs started pouring into the clearing. Their spears pointing towards them and white fangs gleaming in the sunlight. Most were marked with the white hand of Saruman. Liz pulled up her comlink in panic.

"Ben, get us out of here" she cried. The Orcs were edging closer, the snarling getting louder.

"Ben, quick!" she cried again.

"I'm trying!" Ben struggled with the controls trying to pick out the figures of Dave, Liz and the Mary-Sue. "Stop moving, I can't lock on!"

"What do you mean, 'Stop moving?'" Liz was incredulous. "Do you just expect us to freeze and allow the Uruk-hai to murder us? Get us out of here. Now!" 

****

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The Treebeard bit is probably my favourite Mary-Sue. I loved writing that bit so much! Pity it couldn't last any longer! I also liked the kidnapping of Legolas when he was most needed...

Oh bother it, Let's just say I enjoyed writing it all!

Interesting theory about night-time Mary-Sues. I suppose only the most desperate and dangerous would bother to come at night!


	5. Chapter Five: Crime & Punishment

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Crime & Punishment

The Orcs were closing in, the snarls growing louder, the sharp swords and spears getting too close for comfort.

"Ben, quick!" Liz insisted down the comlink. There was no reply.

"You're a warrior" Dave said to the Mary-Sue suddenly. "You could fight us out of here." The Mary-Sue yawned, unconcerned.

"I could" she said slowly, inspecting her beautifully polished nails. "But I'm not going to. I'll be fine, Just need to show those Orcs some of my charm and they'll be crawling at my feet. It's you who need to worry" she laughed nastily.

"I've heard about people like you. People who try to spoil all our fun. People who try to separate us away from our beloved Legolas. Well, there will be two less Wardens to worry about in a few minutes." Liz felt like slapping the Mary-Sue, but managed to keep her temper enough to yell down the comlink instead.

"... Skip the number crunching..... Arriving anywhere is better than an Orc spear thrust up the nose... Just get us out …NOW!"

"Alright" Ben said uneasily. He made a best guess and transmitted the co-ordinates to the portal operator who pulled the red lever.

Liz closed her eyes waiting for the horrible feeling in her stomach to pass. She heard Dave's gasp of surprise and opened them again hurriedly. They were still stuck in the middle of the woods with the Mary-Sue. The Orcs had gone.

"Wha..." she started to say.

"They just dematerialised" Dave said slowly as if trying to believe it himself.

"Ben must have plugged in the wrong co-ordinates, they beamed up the Orcs, not us."

Liz turned to face him, her expression a mixture of horror and longing to laugh.

"You mean they've got Orcs roaming the corridors at base?" she asked.

She reached for her comlink

"Ben, are you there?" Silence. "Ben can you hear me?" Still nothing

"Has the comlink broken?" Dave asked concerned.

"I don't think so." Liz tried again. She could faintly hear shouts and running footsteps in the background. 

"I think they're a bit busy at the moment" she commented, flinging herself onto the ground. "They'll pick us up... when they've got the time."

A couple of hours later, Both Liz and Dave thoroughly sympathised with Treebeard for stepping on that Mary-Sue. Normally they picked them up and passed them on without much contact. Spending 2 hours trapped in Middle Earth with a Mary-Sue was a punishment they wouldn't wish on anyone. 

Suddenly the comlink burst into life.

"Hiya you two, are you alright?" Liz had never been so pleased to hear Sarita's voice. 

She fought Dave for the comlink and the chance to reply.

"No" she insisted. "We've both got severe Mary-Sue-proximity-itis. Can you get us home now? " Sarita laughed. 

"Yeah, no problem."

The Mary-Sue tossed her ebony hair behind her head with a scoff.

"Call yourselves an organisation? I've seen better organised Cave Trolls than you."

Dave gritted his teeth and snatched the comlink off Liz. 

"Sarita," he called. "If you don't get us home quick, you'll be picking up two Wardens and a dead body!" The threat must have worked because the woods started to glow.

They gazed around at a scene of chaos and confusion. Twisted furniture abandoned amongst destroyed monitors. Smashed glass lay in shards across the floor, slashed bare wires hung down, an acrid stench of burnt electrics accompanied the odd spark. A couple of people were sifting slowly through the wreckage, obviously searching for important modules. 

"What happened?" Dave asked.

"Orcs" replied the woman from the "Recovery" department as she took the struggling Mary-Sue. 

"They got everywhere, it was a nightmare containing them. We've only just finished rounding them all up and sending them back." She looked at them thoughtfully. "I hope you're not hungry, they destroyed the canteen." 

Dave let out a low groan, 

"Why the canteen?" he asked. "Why not the common room?" Liz laughed

"All you ever think about is your stomach" she said hurrying over to speak to Sarita.

"Apparently Ben has been sent for re-training whilst engineers fix the portal." Sarita explained. "It looks like my shifts are going to be twice as long now" she sighed, then brightened.

"It was worth it though, seeing that Orc chase the Boss down the corridor in his pyjamas, hilarious!"

"I'm glad you thought so" the stern voice came from behind. All three cringed and turned to face the Boss. "I had a very different experience. Shouldn't you be getting on with your work Sarita?" Sarita blushed and mumbled a reply as she turned back to the computer screen.

"And as for you two..." the Boss continued. "Scram!" 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

"Name?" Dave asked snapping the handcuffs onto the sullen Mary-Sue.

"Trixibella" she replied.

"Trixy- what?" he asked incredulous. Liz nudged him hard trying to keep her own face straight.

"Shut up" she said "She can't really help her name." 

Liz called up Sarita asking for transportation. She was told to wait a while because the workmen were in the middle of clearing up Orc damage around the portal. 

Aragorn turned from watching the two strangers appear from nowhere and handcuff the girl that had recently joined them. He glanced around the other puzzled faces of the Fellowship and stepped forward.

"Who are you?" he asked, "Where are you taking her?" Liz sighed. She couldn't be bothered to argue now. She stepped around the edge of the canoe and activated the memory eraser.

"Doesn't matter" she said as Aragorn started to blink.

"Wow!!" a voice came from behind her, She'd forgotten about Trixibella.

"So that thing clears their memories?" Liz turned and nearly stepped into the edge of the lake.

"Yeah" she replied. "So they don't permanently suffer what you lot put them through." Trixibella thought about this for a moment.

"So Legolas doesn't remember me anymore?" she asked sadly, "Even though he just promised to love me forever."

"Nope!" It felt good to say that. Liz picked up a couple of stones and skimmed them across the water. It the distance she could see the spray from the Falls of Rauros.

"So can that thing make people forget anything?" Trixbella asked again.

"Yep, Watch" Liz turned to the nearest Hobbit and stuck her tongue out, wiggling her fingers. The hobbit stared at her, a little disturbed until she pressed the memory-eraser and his expression cleared.

Liz picked up Frodo and swung him round before dropping him in the water. He emerged coughing, spluttering and dripping wet Immediately most of the Fellowship were coming angrily towards her. She pressed the memory-eraser several times and they all started blinking around in puzzlement.

"Wow!!" was all that Trixibella could say. 

Liz looked down at the little black object in her hand. She'd never played with it like this before, she'd never even thought about it. It gave her power, more power than she'd ever had before. She could do what she liked and no-one could stop her.

"I think that's enough now." Dave's voice was disapproving.

"Why, because I'm having fun?" Liz snapped back. "Spoilsport, that's what you are. Well, you can't stop me, I could just erase your memory as well!"

"Yeah, why don't you?" called Trixibella

"Because you're my best mate and I care about you?" Dave asked coldly. "I don't really want to see you get into major trouble, like you will if anyone finds out how you're misusing that thing. Give it here." He held out a hand to take it.

Liz jumped backwards and held the memory eraser out of reach. 

"You just want a go!" she cried. Dave looked hurt.

"What's up with you Liz, this isn't like you. What happened to the Liz that I normally work with?"

"Well maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do." Liz screamed at him.

"Go on, tell him!" Trixibella egged her on.

"You only want the memory-eraser because you're jealous!" Liz continued.

"Well, I know how to make you more jealous!" She walked over to Legolas, threw her arms around his neck and kissed him.

Trixibella let out a wail of dismay. 

"That's not fair!" she cried. "How come you get to have Legolas and I don't!"

Liz broke away, erased Legolas' memory and laughed at the hurt expression on Dave's face. She turned to Boromir who was next in line and kissed him as well. 

"Elizabeth Lyon. Put that man down at once." Liz broke away and stared at the comlink in horror, recognising the Boss's voice. 

"You are in big trouble young lady!" Liz's temper had disappeared like magic, she stared around her in horror, hardly able to believe what she had just done. How could she have been so stupid? She couldn't meet Dave's eyes. He took the memory-eraser from her silently and erased all the Fellowship's memories. He didn't say a word. 

"Oh my, Are you in trouble now!" Trixibella reiterated unnecessarily.

As the light faded and the command centre came into focus, Liz's heart sank even further. The Boss was waiting at the foot of the platform. His face was angry and cold.

"My Office...Now!" he said simply and started off towards his study. Liz looked back at Dave, but he turned away, refusing to meet her gaze. She took a deep breath and followed him.

Dave dumped Trixibella and headed for Sarita.

"What happened?" he asked perching himself on the edge of the desk. Sarita faced him briefly, there was no expression on her face.

"I'm on duty." she said promptly. "Go away." Dave looked hurt and turned to go. As he did, he felt Sarita slip a piece of paper in his hand. He closed his fingers around it and headed for somewhere quiet to read in peace.

A few minutes later, Dave found a wide open windowsill. He clambered up and leant back against the smooth white wall, looking out across the rooftops down below. It was strange to think that all those people walked past this building everyday, and none of them realised what went on inside. The organisation was a well-protected secret, all members had to sign contracts of secrecy. They spent months living and working without ever leaving the building. The secrecy couldn't hide his thoughts though. He kept re-seeing Liz shouting at him, then kissing Legolas. He felt a clenching in his stomach. Was Liz right? Was he jealous?

He unfolded the scrap of paper and started to read Sarita's curved script.

"Dave,

Being watched. Can't talk.

Liz in big trouble. Boss was showing visitors around. 

Heard whole conversation over comlink. 

Visitors amused, Boss not!!

You should be OK though.

C-ya

Sarita"

Dave crumpled the piece of paper in his hand. This was going from bad to worse. Was this the end of their partnership? Was Liz about to lose her job?

The canteen was being cleared when Dave entered a few hours later. Apart from the broken doors and pile of smashed chairs in the corner, it was hard to believe the Orcs had totally demolished it earlier. Dave waited in the queue as it slowly reached the serving hatch. He was hungry, looking forward to something nice to take his mind off the morning's events.

He reached the serving girl, and was horrified when she dumped a dollop of grey sludge on his plate.

"Hey, it's me!" he said cheerfully. "We have an arrangement, remember!"

The girl glanced at him, blushed and looked away.

"I can't do it" she whispered. "She said I couldn't give you special food anymore. It was the first thing She did." 

"Who?" Dave tried to work out who the terrifying 'She' was.

"Me!" said a familiar voice. Dave's mouth fell open in surprise,

"Liz?" he gasped.

Liz stood in the kitchen, her chestnut hair tucked under a white cap, red and white striped overalls covering her uniform.

"I've been demoted to the kitchen staff" she complained bitterly. "The Boss went totally mental. He said I was lucky to keep any job at all. I'm sorry about what I did. Dave, you've got to help me get my job back!" Dave picked up his tray and moved away.

"I'm just a spoilsport, remember" he called over his shoulder.

"Dave!" Liz called across the dining room. "Come back!" but he didn't turn around.

The comlink didn't go off until the next morning. Dave spent most of his time avoiding the canteen and trying not to think about Liz.

When he was finally summoned, he didn't recognise the voice on the other end. He made his way up to the command centre, wondering what had happened to Sarita.

Her chair was occupied by a stranger who didn't have time for a chat. Dave made his way towards the portal miserably. Things weren't the same without Liz and Sarita, the job wasn't as fun anymore. A thought struck him, who would replace Liz? Wardens always worked in pairs. Would he get a trainee? He groaned at the thought as he entered the locker room.

"You took your time!" Sarita called. She wasn't wearing her normal Salwar Kameez, instead she was wearing a spotless, freshly ironed Warden's uniform with the sky blue trainee belt. Her long black hair fell in a silky plait.

"You're training as a Warden?" he asked incredulously.

"Yes" Sarita looked really excited. "I've always wanted to see how you work on the other side of the comlink, now's my chance! I shouldn't be any trouble to you, I've practically memorised the book of Regulations" She held up the book that Dave remembered studying when he was training. He smiled to himself as he realised how many of those rules he regularly broke now.

At least he knew Sarita well, She would be a better replacement than a stranger. Things were looking a bit brighter.

Dave parted the long grass and they both peered through at the Fellowship down below. 

"She'll be around here somewhere." Dave whispered, his experienced eyes scanning for clues.

"Don't push back the grass so hard" Sarita whispered urgently.

"Why not?" Dave asked in surprise.

"Otherwise it won't return to normal. If someone looked closely they'd be able to see that someone lay here and looked through the grass. That completely breaks Rule 26 section 4b in the Regulations."

"Fine." Dave released the grass with a shrug. "She's not down there anyway. Do you want to contact base to find out where she is?"

Sarita's eyes lit up.

"Can I?" she asked. She switched on the comlink and asked the question. The answer puzzled her however.

"What did he mean she's approaching from above at a velocity of 30 miles per hour?" she asked Dave puzzled. "I can imagine what he's seeing on the screen, but what does he mean in practise?"

"He means get down!" Dave cried pushing Sarita into the mud. A huge wingspan flapped in the space where her head had been and a Silver Eagle swooped down low, gliding towards the Fellowship, the Mary-Sue riding on its back.

Dave expected Sarita to be surprised by this Mary-Sue's entrance. He had to admit that even he hadn't seen many arrive by Silver Eagle. But Sarita was busy trying to rub the mud off her beautiful clean uniform with no success.

"The mud doesn't matter" Dave called, "We'd better get down and intercept the Mary-Sue before she does much damage."

Sarita reluctantly pulled herself to her feet, then let out a cry of horror as she glanced at the mud. 

"What's wrong?" Dave was instantly concerned.

"I've left tracks!" Sarita cried pointing at the impressions in the mud. "I've just broken rule 125 section 7a !" She hastily tried to remove her marks by smearing the mud with a leaf.

"Leave it" Dave hissed, "We've got to get down to that Mary-Sue quick!"

"I can't leave it" Sarita wailed. "I can't break a rule on my first trip."

Dave remembered all the footprints he'd left in the mud on various occasions a little guiltily.

"Come on!" Dave hauled Sarita along. "No one will know that a hobbit or a deer or anything that's supposed to be in Middle Earth didn't make those marks."

Sarita kept looking back reluctantly all the way down to the path.

Back in the kitchens, Liz awoke from her daydream by clouds of acrid black smoke pouring out of the oven. She gave an exclamation of annoyance and tugged the oven door open. The tray was full of little black cinders that could have been anything. She tugged the tray out, the heat quickly passing through the thin gloves and making her drop the tray with a yell. The little black objects bounced across the floor and under the draining cupboard.

Liz kicked the table leg hard and started again from scratch. This punishment wasn't fair. Not fair on her, and not fair on the people who had to eat this food. It was a little mistake. Never happened before, would never happen again. All she needed was another chance. She had to get out of this kitchen before she went insane.

Dave strode over towards the Fellowship, Sarita dragging on his arm.

"We can't let them see us too much Dave, we're supposed to be discrete. Rule 39 forbids us from making too much contact with the Fellowship."

Dave tried to shake Sarita's grip from his sleeve.

"It's OK," he comforted. "That's what we have the memory-eraser for. They won't remember seeing us at all." Sarita still looked worried.

"But that breaks Rule 43 section 2c" she wailed. "Using the memory-eraser too much... That's how Liz got into trouble."

Dave gritted his teeth and tried to keep his patience. Sarita was still learning, she didn't realise how things worked. In time she would become less infuriating. For now... Dave looked around for a method of removing the Mary-Sue that would mean less contact with the Fellowship.

About an hour later, Dave collapsed into one of the plastic seats in the deserted canteen with a groan. He rested his head in his hands and tried to forget about the last mission.

"Everything OK?" a voice called. Dave lifted his head to see Liz mopping the floor. She rested both hands on the mop handle, leant her chin on top and regarded him steadily over the top.

"Yep." Dave refused to let his frustration show.

"That's not what I see." Liz continued washing the floor around the tables. "I've known you too long. I know when you're lying."

"I'm not lying" Dave snapped back. Liz shrugged her shoulders and kept her eyes on her job.

"Suit yourself." she said casually. "How are you enjoying the grey sludge?"

Dave looked down at the stolid bowl of stodge that he had been given.

"That was totally unfair" he burst out angrily. "Just because you're in trouble, doesn't mean I have to suffer too. You have no right to cancel my food arrangements."

Liz stopped mopping and looked at him again. 

"Having trouble with Sarita?" she asked. "Much better worker behind the computer? Like I'm better out of the kitchen?" 

"Go away" Dave refused to discuss the matter.

"Can't" Liz replied, still mopping the same piece of floor for the 5th time. "For some reason, this is my job now." Dave slapped his hands down on the table in anger.

"Look!" he cried. "What do you want from me? What do you want me to do?" Liz was ready with her reply.

"I want you to help me get my job back" she said promptly.

"I can't" Dave said helplessly. Liz perched herself on the edge of the table and brought her face closer towards Dave.

"I'm really, really sorry" she said calmly and genuinely. "I really don't know what came over me. I'll never do it again, please forgive me." Dave didn't reply.

"It was a mistake..." she continued. "Look at the Fellowship, Boromir made a mistake when he tried to take the ring. He found peace and forgiveness in the end, didn't he?"

Dave looked at her stonily. He was being torn in two. Part of him longed for Liz to join him again, the rest knew that it was impossible. He had to get out of here before he agreed to something that would make him lose his job as well.

"...Boromir died" he said simply, scrapping back the chair and rising to his feet. He started to walk away across the dining hall.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it!" Liz called after him. He didn't turn.

"You won't get anything but grey sludge until you help me!" Liz yelled. There was no reaction, Dave left the room.

Liz slowly put her head in her arms and rocked back and forth on the table edge. She fingered the pendant Arwen had given her when the psycho Mary-Sue had attacked. She couldn't take much more of this. She hated resorting to this kind of blackmail, but she had no option. She had to get her job back as soon as possible.

"How are things going?" Sean slid into a nearby chair with his tray of grey sludge. Liz looked up at him.

"Awful" she admitted. She told him everything, thankful to find a friend who would listen. 

"What about you?" She asked when she'd finished, remembering the notepad being thrown across the room. "How are your equations coming along?" Sean sighed.

"Awful" he echoed. "I think we'll just have to give up. No one in the Physics department can think of any way to prevent Mary-Sue's from entering Middle Earth. I think we're going to be stuck removing them one-by-one for ever." They both sat in depressed silence for a few moments. 

"I wouldn't mind continuously removing Mary-Sue's" Liz said wistfully. "But I can imagine your frustration. When we saw that 12 year old arrive, it was pretty awe-inspiring." Sean sat up, full attention on Liz

"You've actually seen a Mary-Sue arrive?" he asked incredulously. "You've never mentioned it before. Tell me more!" Liz looked a bit puzzled, but described the way the air had seemed to twist open.

"A vortex, did you say?" Sean looked excited. "Why didn't I think of that before." He took a notepad from his pocket and started scribbling furiously. "Describe it, how big? how long did it last? Did it fade or vanish quickly?" Sean fired questions hurriedly. Liz answered the questions to the best of her ability, then sat back and watched as frightening equations appeared across the pages of the notepad.

"This might actually work!" he exclaimed excitedly, leaping up, knocking his chair flying, and rushing towards the labs. Liz watched him go, then returned to the kitchen, glad that someone was more cheerful.

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****

Just proving that no one is perfect! 

If I've done my job properly, hopefully you didn't suspect Liz would sink this low until you reached this chapter. Like you say… it was probably the proximity of the Mary-Sues finally taking effect. Or perhaps the proximity to the ring… after all, she liked the power the memory eraser gave her.

But she's genuinely sorry, so... will she get her job back?


	6. Chapter Six: Solution?

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Solution?

Sarita stood alone in the locker rooms, miserably trying to brush the mud off her uniform. The Warden's job was not at all like she'd expected, it wasn't glamorous, it wasn't fun, and it was far too easy to break the rules. She secretly longed for her old position. She could manage that, and do it well, she could probably do it better than any of the replacements. She sighed in frustration as her comlink went off. Not another Mary-Sue, this wasn't funny any more.

Dave stomped through the foliage, purposely crushing it under his feet to make Sarita squeal in protest. She followed him slowly, desperately trying to straighten the crushed stems, to make it look as if no one had passed through. Dave was tired and fed up. He hated this job now, it was no fun anymore. Sarita was close to tears as he purposely left huge footprints in the muddy bank. She hated Middle Earth, She hated Mary-Sues, She just wanted to go home.

Liz carefully carried the tea tray up the winding corridors to the control centre. She had finally managed to convince the catering manager that she wouldn't drop the contents all over the stairs. At last she was allowed to find out what was going on.

The door slid open with a faint hiss and Liz headed over to Sarita's seat. She deposited the coffee cup next the bloke sitting in the chair, then raised her eyes to look at the huge monitors. 

"So, who's out there at the moment?" she asked, trying to start a conversation.

"David Thompson and Sarita Patel" he replied blankly, his eyes never leaving the screen.

"Oh" Liz felt even more left out. She gazed miserably up at the data for a while.

"So which numbers represent them?" she asked at last. The bloke clucked in annoyance and gestured towards a certain part of the screen, hoping she'd go away.

Liz stared at the numbers closely. Then at the others surrounding them.

"What does that lot represent?" Liz asked pointing at a dark mass of digits flooding the screen and slowly encircling Dave and Sarita's numbers. The bloke gave the mass a customary glance.

"Dunno" he muttered. "Could be anything, crows, wolves, rabid bunny rabbits. Leave me alone, can't you."

Liz ignored him, still staring at the dark numbers in concern. It didn't really make more sense than usual, but there was something about the way the numbers were moving. Following, always on the move, fleeting in and out of the shadows.

"I think it's a wolf pack" she said at last. "Aren't you going to warn them?" She squinted over towards the dangerous weapons cabinet. There didn't seem to be anything missing. Did that mean they didn't take any?

"No" The bloke in the chair said, he was getting really annoyed now. "I'm not, because I don't think there's any danger."

"But look!" Liz insisted. "Even I can tell that those numbers represent something bad."

"And what would a Warden know about that?" He hissed. "I meant to say, what would a disgraced, demoted Warden know about data that takes months of training to interpret." Liz tried not to let the sting show. She was more concerned about her friends.

"Please." She said at last. "Just to be safe, rather than sorry. Please warn them of the danger."

"I said no!" The bloke was nearly shouting now. "If you don't go away, I'll report you to the Boss. You know that you only need to do one little thing wrong now, and you'll be thrown out of the company." Liz stared at him long and hard. She knew now what she needed to do, just needed the courage to do it.

"I know" she said slowly, removing her white cap, her chestnut locks spilling around her shoulders.

"But a friend's safety is much more important than a job."

She turned and started walking quickly towards the portal, eventually breaking into a run. She tore off the hated red and white checkered apron and threw it to the ground as she ran. She didn't have much time. 

She tore open the glass door to the dangerous weapons cabinet. All the weapon's were in their places. Had Dave been so distracted that he'd forgotten to take anything? That wasn't like him. She selected a couple of pistols and shoved them into her belt. She scribbled her signature on the requisition book, she would face the consequences of that later.

She skidded to a stop as she reached the portal barrier. She thrust her card into the slot and waited for it to open. Unfortunately, the red light flashed instead and the words "Access Denied" flashed over the screen. The barrier remained closed.

"I'm sorry Liz" The portal operator said as he came out of the control room. "I can't let you in, You're not allowed to use these apparatus any more."

"But Dave and Sarita are in danger!" Liz cried, She placed her hands on top of the barrier and hauled herself up. She swung her legs over and landed, feet together next to the portal platform. The operator watched her climb over the barrier uneasily, glancing around to see if any one else was watching.

"You've got to send me through." Liz pleaded, hands outstretched. "Would you ever be able to forgive yourself if they died from lack of warning." The operator eased his collar uneasily. 

"You're putting me in a very difficult position" he said at last. "Obviously, I don't want anyone to get hurt, but can you imagine the trouble I'd get in if I allowed you through?" 

"I'll take all the blame." Liz offered quickly, "You won't get into trouble." 

"But you'll lose your job" The portal officer cried in surprise.

"I know" Liz's brandy brown eyes began to fill with tears. "But better a job than a friend."

The argument lasted some time before the portal operator gave in. He headed for the control room, Liz followed him eagerly. 

"I assume you don't have the exact co-ordinates?" he called.

"No" Liz admitted, "Can you just get me in roughly the right place."

"It's a bit more complicated than that." The portal officer replied, throwing a few switches and causing various buttons on the control pannel to light up. "Without the co-ordinates, you could end up anywhere. It's too risky." He scanned through lists of data on the mini-screen.

"I can reload the last set of co-ordinates" he said at last. "At least then you'll end up in Middle Earth. I can send you where Dave and Sarita were dropped off. You'll have to find them from there. That's the best I can do."

"Thank you" Liz cried gratefully, flinging her arms around his neck.

"Careful" he joked. "You'll make the wife jealous. Now you're taking the blame for this, mind?"

"Yes" Liz agreed, leaping up onto the portal platform. She steeled herself for the transportation as the lights grew brighter... 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Liz ran. There was a stitch pounding in her side and her breath was coming in torn gasps. Her legs were beginning to feel like lead, and she felt a little dizzy. She still refused to slow down, she didn't have enough time.

Dave was getting really frustrated. They'd been walking around in circles for ages, and there was still no sign of the Mary-Sue. Every time he'd contacted Base, he just got a grumpy short reply, with no help. He was beginning to suspect that Sarita's replacement didn't have much of a clue how to read the data either.

Sarita was trailing behind, her legs were aching and she couldn't keep up with Dave. Gradually the gap between them got wider and wider, until he was nowhere in sight.

Suddenly she stopped, realising she was no longer following his trail. The trees were tall and threatening. Dusk was falling, casting dark shadows through the woods. She was alone. Then with a jolt, she realised she was lost. She called his name, trying to control her fear. There was no reply. From somewhere behind her, she heard a wolf howl. 

Liz sped through the trees, her hair streaming out behind her, the darkening sky making it harder to see all the fallen branches she needed to avoid. Surely it couldn't be far now?

She heard a menacing swish in the undergrowth. She stopped and turned, pistol in hand. She saw the slitty, yellow eyes emerging slowly from the gloom. Fangs bared, preparing to pounce. She fired quickly and the wolf dropped dead at her feet. So her guess had been correct. The dark numbers on the screen had been wolves. But this was a loner, where were the rest? She heard a chorus of howls echoing through the trees in front of her. She thrust the pistol back into her belt and started to run again.

Dave heard the wolves howling and felt a shiver of fear crawl up his spine. There was something about the cry of the wolf in the dark of the forest, that was incredibly creepy. He felt for his pistol, and met an empty holder on his belt. Suddenly he realised. He had been so grumpy and frustrated when they started out, that he'd forgotten to take a pistol from the weapons cabinet. How could he have been so stupid? He had the stunner, but that needed 10 seconds to re-energise between shots. It wouldn't be much use against a large pack of wolves.

He looked to check that Sarita was still following, but she wasn't there. A cold chill gripped him, as he realised he hadn't checked behind him for a long time. She could be anywhere, and a hungry wolfpack was much more likely to attack a single person wandering lost. He started running back the way he had come. 

Dave let out a sigh of relief when he saw a girl in the distance. 

"Sarita, thank goodness I've found you, I'm sorry" he panted breathlessly. The girl turned to face him. It wasn't Sarita, it was obviously the Mary-Sue. The girl had short spiky red hair and a tiny mini-skirt. She was chewing gum, her teeth grinding away, making sloshing noises.

"What's up with you then?" she asked sarcastically. "Scared of the wolves?"

"No" Dave lied steadily. "But I've lost my friend, she'll be scared. Have you seen her?"

"Nope" the Mary-Sue champed away noisily. "Good luck, I've seen what wolves can do to people."

"Aren't you going to help me find her?" Dave asked incredulously.

"Nope" the Mary-Sue replied. "She's your problem. I've got to go find this bloke, I know he's around here somewhere." She turned to leave. Dave swung her round and quickly snapped the handcuffs on. 

"You're not going anywhere" he replied as she gave a squeal of rage. "We're going to find Sarita together. The wolves are less likely to attack a group of three."

He prodded her sharply until she started moving along the track. Her mouth spewing a stream of Un-Middle-Earth-like curses. Dave was almost glad that Sarita couldn't hear them. She would be horrified that such language was being used here. It would probably break almost every rule in the book.

Suddenly, Dave stopped dead. The shadows stirred on every side, and slitty yellow eyes of wolves peeled away from the darkness, slinking towards him. He backed away slowly, the Mary-Sue whimpering at his side. There were loads of them, lurking in the shadows in all directions, slowly coming closer. Snarling fangs gleaming dimly in the darkness. 

They were closing in for the kill, preparing to pounce, about to tear them to pieces. Dave looked about helplessly, there was nothing he could do. He grabbed a wooden branch as a club and brandished it in front of him. The carnivorous wolves took no notice, still slinking closer and closer.

Suddenly, Liz burst into the clearing like an avenging angel, firing pistols repeatedly. She chucked a pistol to Dave who caught it gratefully and started firing at wolves that leapt at him out of the shadows. The number of wolf corpses grew, until the remainder had slunk away into the shadows. When the echoes of the last shot had faded away into the night, Dave turned to Liz in amazement.

"I've never been so glad to see anyone in my life!" he admitted. "But what are you doing here?"

"Two things." Liz replied wryly as she attached her pistol to her belt. "Saving your life and losing my job. Where's Sarita?" 

At that moment, a terrified scream echoed through the trees. Liz hauled the gibbering Mary-Sue to her feet, and they ran in the direction of the sound.

Sarita was standing alone amongst the trees. 

"It was horrible!" she cried as the others ran up to her.

"What was? a wolf?" Liz asked breathlessly.

"No! a giant spider!" Sarita squealed.

"But we're nowhere near Mirkwood" Dave commented, puzzled.

"It was that big!" Sarita continued indicating a space about 5cms between her fingers. "I hate this place! I want to go home!!"

At that moment, the trees started to glow...

Liz's heart sank as soon as she opened her eyes. The Boss was waiting there, his face set as grim as concrete.

"Nice knowing you" Liz muttered squeezing Dave's arm. She stepped obediently off the platform. The Boss started to escort her from the building.

"Wait, Sir!" Dave cried desperately. "She saved our lives! Give her another chance, please!" The Boss turned, his face slightly puzzled. 

"Is this true?" he asked. Liz stared at the floor, and nodded slightly. The Boss looked a little undecided.

"Sir!" Sean ran excited across the control room, nearly sending monitors flying. "Sir, I've cracked it! I've finally done it! I've worked out how we can prevent Mary-Sue's from entering Middle Earth forever!" He came to a smiling, breathless halt before the Boss. 

"It was Liz who gave me the idea" he credited generously. Liz gave him a grateful smile. 

"Really?" the Boss murmured. His stern gaze moving from the impatient Sean to Liz and back again.

"Perhaps I may have been a little hasty. Report to my office in an hour." He turned to Sean "Tell me more about that idea" he said. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Liz stood rigidly in the Boss' office, her hands clasped firmly behind her back. The Boss leisurely placed some papers on the desk in front of him. He clasped his hands together and gazed at Liz over his fingertips. Liz hated the waiting. Why couldn't he just say whether she could stay or not.

"In view of your recent actions, I have decided not to dismiss you."

He shuffled through the papers again.

"Unfortunately, all the Warden posts are full" the Boss said at last. "However, you can stay on in the kitchens." Liz's heart sank. 

There was a knock on the door, and the secretary handed a couple of papers over. The Boss glanced through them quickly.

"On the other hand, Sarita Patel has just requested transfer back her old job. So your old position is free. However, if anything happens like that again, there will be no second chance." Liz nodded in agreement

"Thank you" she replied, trying to control the beam that threatened to spread across her face. She excused herself and went to share the good news.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

The next couple of days were quiet for the Wardens, unusually, there were no Mary-Sues. The other departments were rushed off their feet preparing to put Sean's plan into action. The technology behind the plan was far over Liz's head. When she'd asked Sean for a simple explanation, he'd sighed and said to just accept the fact that Mary-Sue's would no longer be able to break through into Middle Earth and not to question how it worked. Liz had to be satisfied with that.

The lapse in Mary-Sues gave her more time to think. What would happen to the organisation when there were no longer any Mary-Sues? Everyone would lose their jobs. Yet no-one else seemed to be thinking about this, they all seemed perfectly cheerful and excited about the idea.

At last, the big day arrived. The Boss held a meeting first thing in the morning for all members of the organisation. The final countdown had begun. The plan was to energise the shield at 3 O'clock in the afternoon. During the transition, the boundaries would be a bit unstable. Two Wardens were required to wait in Middle Earth to check that nothing unusual happened and there were no Mary-Sues sneaking in, before Middle Earth became officially Mary-Sue proof. Then they would be brought home, the transition crystals in the portal disabled so that no-one could enter Middle Earth again. Liz's heart felt heavy as she realised that this was really the end of the Wardens. She immediately volunteered for the final trip to Middle Earth. There was no way they were closing it up before she got a chance to say Goodbye.

A small crowd gathered around the portal as Liz and Dave prepared to be the last Wardens to travel to Middle Earth. They laughed and waved as Liz and Dave faded away. The timer was counting down, only 15 minutes to go, and Middle Earth would be safe.

Liz opened her eyes to see the beautiful countryside she loved so much. 

"After this is over, maybe I'll move to New Zealand" she commented as they started along the track. Dave gave her a funny look, but didn't say anything. They walked in silence, the minutes passing quickly.

"3 minutes and counting..." The Bosses voice came over the comlink. Liz blinked back a couple of tears. She refused to get emotional over this... at least she refused to let anyone see her get emotional over this. 

They rounded the corner and saw the Fellowship in front of them for the last time. Dave glanced from member to member, all so familiar now, in a way, it was a shame..

"60 seconds..." the comlink chirped. The sky seemed to darken and grow lighter again. Liz and Dave looked at each other in puzzlement. Was that supposed to happen?

"30 seconds..." Suddenly, everything flashed a shade of pink as if they were looking at the world through rose-tinted glasses. Even the Fellowship noticed this, they glanced at each other uneasily. Dave reached for the comlink

"Is everything alright?" he asked Sarita, "I just thought you ought to know that..."

Without warning, the view of the path in front of the Fellowship seemed to twist open, a familiar black vortex materialised and the coloured streaks of light danced across the shrubs and trees.

"Not now!" Liz whispered. "Not a Mary-Sue now!"

"15 seconds..." went the comlink.

The Fellowship looked terrified of the vortex at first, then Pippin approached it cautiously, his face lit up by the bright light, the coloured streaks dancing harmlessly on his clothes and hair. He walked closer towards the vortex, his hands stretched out, a puzzled expression on his face.

"10 seconds..." 

"Noooo" moaned Dave "Stay away from it" he urged quietly.

The other hobbits moved closer towards the vortex, the wind blowing their hair, their curiosity heightened. It all happened so quickly. One second they were standing before the hole, the next they had disappeared.

"9..8..7..." Liz and Dave watched in horror as the other members of the Fellowship investigated the vortex, trying to work out where their companions had gone. 

"6..5..." Now they had all disappeared. Liz and Dave shared a horrified glance. There was nothing for it, they had a duty to protect Middle Earth, and this meant ensuring that the Fellowship didn't leave it. Liz and Dave quickly sped towards the vortex. 

"Emergency...emergency... Fellowship left Middle Earth... are following" Dave managed to shout down the comlink as they approached the vortex. It was even more terrifying close up. What had made the Fellowship investigate it?

"4..3..." Liz hesitated at the last step. If travelling by portal was bad enough, what would this be like? Dave grabbed her by the hand and dragged her into the spiralling blackness.

"2..1...Energize" the comlink finished before it was replaced by static. The birds in the bush at the side of the road watched as the strange new vortex blinked out as if a blind was pulled down in front of it.

"...Energize" The Boss had hardly got the words out of his mouth before a round of applause and cheering sped across the room. Everyone had poured into the control room to see the last few moments of Middle Earth. Now it was seriously overcrowded.

"I now declare Middle Earth officially Mary-Sue free" the Boss shouted over the noise. The cheering increased. "The Fellowship will be able to conduct their lives in peace. Mary-Sue's will no longer trouble them... and Legolas may have the chance to regrow a few braincells" The applause drowned him out again.

He turned to Sarita who was repeatedly calling down the comlink, a worried frown on her face.

"Is there something wrong?" he asked.

"Yes" Sarita turned to face him. "I got a hurried emergency message from Dave. He said the Fellowship had left Middle Earth, and they were following."

"The Fellowship have left Middle Earth?" The noise in the room stopped instantly, everyone's attention was rooted on Sarita. She scanned through the data monitors quickly. 

"There is no sign of the Fellowship anywhere in Middle Earth. Nor is there any sign of Dave and Liz." A horrified gasp rippled through the crowded room. The Boss tried to shut out the excess noise and concentrate on Sarita. He leaned forward, one hand resting on the desk and the other on the back of her chair. He also gazed at the moving data screen.

"Do you know where they are?" he asked gravely. Sarita scanned through screens of data. She typed in commands and read though the new data quickly. The room was tense, waiting for the result.

"I think..." she said at last. "I'm not sure, but I think they're in our time continuum..." 

"Do you have the location?" The Boss asked anxiously. 

"The co-ordinates are coming" she replied, watching the numbers rapidly decrease, searching for a fix.

"They're in the UK..." she read "...Southern England...Ok, they're stabilising at... 51 deg 30' N..." she read quickly. "0 deg 5' W..." She looked up at the Boss, her eyes wide. 

"I think they've ended up in present day London...." 

****

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A solution…Was it too simplistic to believe that Mary-Sues could be permanently banned from Middle Earth so easily?

It would certainly save Legolas' brain cells… but the idea is that you seal it off with the fellowship inside!

Will they succeed? Will the fellowship finally be able to complete their mission without Mary-Sues constantly disrupting them? 

Just have to wait for the last chapter!


	7. Chapter Seven: London

****

Most of this episode takes place in London, so here's a brief glossary of landmarks for those who have never visited. I tried to only use famous landmarks in the hope that you'd know at least some of them! 

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Tower of London - The square castle-like building with turrets. Famous as a prison and execution ground for people like Queen Anne Boleyn and Lady Jane Grey. Now it houses the Crown Jewels. Guarded by "Beefeaters" in funny costumes and famous for the ravens that roam through the grounds. Legend goes that if the ravens leave the tower, then it will collapse. 

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Tower Bridge - The fancy one with the turrets and cables. 

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The Globe Theatre - reconstruction of Shakespeare's globe theatre. Large Tudor-style building. 

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Wobbly Bridge - Officially named the "Millennium Bridge" built to mark the millennium. Unfortunately they had to close it because it wobbled! Yes - I know they've fixed it now, but for me it will always be the Wobbly bridge!! 

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Big Ben - Come on, you must know this!! It's the clock tower on top of the houses of parliament. Actually, to be accurate it's the bell inside that is called Big Ben, the clock tower is just a normal tower, but not many people know that!!

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Millennium Eye - Huge Ferris wheel which is supposed to give amazing views from the top. I don't know, I've never wanted to pay that much money to ride in it - I still think it looks out of place next to the beautiful old buildings. There was something technical wrong with that when it opened as well - Britain didn't do very well when it came to celebrating the Millennium! 

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Buckingham Palace - One of the Queen's palaces. Famous for its guards in smart uniform. Apparently they won't react if you pull faces at them or poke them. But I'm not going to risk it! 

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Trafalgar Square - Large square with statues, fountains and loads of pigeons. Actually - last time I went there, I hardly saw any pigeons. Perhaps some local restaurant is serving "Famous Trafalgar Pigeon Pie!" 

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Tube - London Underground system.

Hope that helps! 

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****

London

Liz clutched at Dave whimpering slightly, her eyes still tightly shut. There was no way she was travelling like that again. As she waited for her stomach to catch up with her, she decided that travelling through a vortex made the portal journey seem like fun.

She finally realised that Dave was prodding her, firstly to get her attention, and secondly to try and rescue his arm from her vice-like grip. She opened her eyes cautiously and looked around. They were in an old building, with pale stone walls. It must be the castle at Minas Tirith, Liz eventually decided. The Fellowship were gathered around several glass cases with beautiful crowns and jewellery sparkling inside. 

Frodo leaned forward and brought out the ring. He held it up next to the case as if comparing it to the things inside.

"Hey!" a voice called from the corner. "Can't you keep your kids under control?"

The hobbits looked at one another indignantly. Kids? 

"What's that in your hand? Where did you get it?" The man stepped out towards them, he was dressed in a strange red uniform and tights, wearing a black hat with flowers on it. Liz would have burst out laughing at his strange appearance if it wasn't for three things. Firstly, he was carrying a long, sharp pike. Secondly, the uniform looked vaguely familiar. It was niggling away in her memory, she was sure she had seen people wearing it before. Thirdly, there were no guards dressed like that at Minas Tirith. Where else in Middle Earth could there be crowns like these? The thought suddenly struck her. They could be jewels that Sauron had stolen. That would mean that they were in Mordor, this man could be one of the Easterlings. Some human working for Sauron, anyway.

Liz jerked the comlink to her mouth

"Sarita, get us out of here?" she cried. There was no reply. Just a faint hissing of static. "Sarita, are you there? Get us out now!"

"A conspiracy!" The man cried. He jammed his hand against a button on the wall, and an alarm started up. A piercing wailing that echoed around the room. Blue lights flashed and lit up the perplexed faces of the Fellowship.

Gimli gave a cry and swung his axe at the man. Liz covered her eyes in horror, not wanting to witness the beheading. Fortunately, the axe hit with the blunt side. The man slumped unconscious to the floor, his pike clattered to the ground next to him.

The pounding of running feet could be heard on the staircase. Dave helped Aragorn close the great wooden door and jam the pike through the wooden frets. They gathered facing the door. Swords drawn, arrows strung, daggers gripped firmly, axe swinging and a stun weapon turned to full power.

Liz gazed around for a weapon of her own, she quickly groped for the memory eraser. 

The pounding footsteps reached the door. Liz's hands were sweaty, she managed to drop the eraser and it rolled under the glass cabinet, next to the unconscious body of the guard. She ducked down and grovelled for it... and spotted something that made her blood run cold...

The footsteps reached the door, and a heavy fist pounded on the wooden panels.

"Open in the name of Her Majesty!" a voice cried. Dave frowned in puzzlement. 'Her Majesty?' There was no queen in Middle Earth at the moment - not as far as he knew. Where were they?

"Dave!" Liz cried out in horror, scooping up the loose change she'd spotted spilling out of the unconscious man's pocket. "British currency!" she gazed around the building and back to the guard.

"This must be the Tower of London!" she continued in dismay "We've knocked out a Beefeater. They think we want to steal the crown jewels!"

The piercing wailing of the alarm continued as the Beefeaters broke down the door. They let out a battle cry and raced towards them, pikes lowered, the spikes looking very sharp. 

Tearing the Fellowship away from the battle was extremely difficult. The memory eraser was strained to the limit as Dave ducked in and out of the battle, trying to avoid anyone getting killed. At last they managed to force them out of the door and tumble down the staircase, knocking tourists flying. Liz and Dave halted for a moment to survey the damage. Most of the Beefeaters were standing around blinking in puzzlement.

One of them turned to Dave and asked what had happened.

"Nothing much!" Dave grinned. He pointed to the unconscious Beefeater who was just coming round. "He got a little enthusiastic and set off the alarm. Scared the poor tourists to death."

The Beefeaters looked a little ashamed. One inserted a key in the alarm, and a blissful silence reined. 

"Come on." Dave guided Liz out of the room. "We need to catch up with Fellowship and take them back to Base before they cause any more damage.

They hurried out of the Tower and looked around. To their horror, they realised the Fellowship had split up. The Hobbits and Gandalf were sitting happily in the Thames River Trip boat, just pulling away from the jetty towards Westminster. Aragorn, Gimli, Boromir and Legolas could just be seen halfway across Tower Bridge. 

"We'll have to split up too." Dave urged quickly. "Meet you back at Base, don't lose any of them!" He ran down towards the jetty. Liz sighed and hurried towards Tower Bridge. It didn't take long for her to realise why the marathon runners universally hate that stretch of the track. The cobbles were a nightmare to run on! 

Dave tried to push past the tourists to get to the front of the Thames River Trip boats. Unfortunately, the little old ladies waiting for their ride didn't know the meaning of the word "emergency." They also had extremely sharp elbows. Dave soon realised that this was futile, and hobbled out of the queue. He didn't have that much time. The River Trip boat with the hobbits on was edging out of sight.

Suddenly a roar on the water caught his attention. A jet boat skidded and danced across the water, the shower of spray just missing the waiting tourists. An idea flashed into his mind as the jet boat came to a halt and started to moor up on the banks of the river. Who said watching James Bond was a waste of time? 

Liz panted across Tower Bridge, hoping to lose herself amongst the streams of people. The odd determined Beefeater was still trailing after her. Luckily they were stopped every few minutes by tourists wanting to take photographs. The gap between them was widening dramatically. 

Suddenly she noticed that the Fellowship had stopped running, they seemed to be talking to someone. Liz's heart sank when she realised that they were talking to a policeman. He was tall, wearing smart dark uniform and a dome hat, the silver polished brightly, the strap digging into his chin. His face was grave and stern, Liz approached carefully and listened to the conversation. Her heart sank even further when she realised the Fellowship were getting into trouble for carrying dangerous weapons. To her horror, she watched Aragorn and Boromir draw their swords and threaten the policeman, Legolas fitted an arrow to his bow, and Gimli raised his axe. The tourists standing nearby started to scream. Others quickly gathered around to watch the excitement, cameras ready. The policeman started to look scared. He glanced nervously behind him, and quickly radioed for backup.

Liz pushed her way through the tourist ring and stood between the Fellowship and the policeman. She placed her hands on her hips and glared up at them

"Put those things away at once!" she ordered sternly. The Fellowship looked at one another uneasily, then re-sheaved their weapons. The tourists started applauding and camera bulbs started flashing at the young girl who had bravely defeated the dangerous terrorists. The fellowship jumped at the bright camera flashes and pushed their way through the crowd, running quickly out of sight. Liz whipped out her memory eraser and quickly made her way around the ring, erasing all the tourists memories. There was nothing she could do about the photograph films, she needed to catch up with the Fellowship, and quickly. She hesitated for a second when she came to the policeman. She decided there was no other option and erased his memory as well. She hoped that the organisation would get her out of any trouble. After all, erasing the memory of a policeman is probably a serious crime. 

Liz pushed her way through the blinking crowd and searched for the Fellowship. They were nowhere in sight, she gazed along the street moodily. So much for not losing them. However, she soon realised that tracking them would not be as difficult as she had thought. It was a beautiful summer's day, and the city was swarming with tourists to ask directions. Two men, an elf and a dwarf running through the streets in medieval style costume was unusual enough for even Londoners to notice and mention.

Dave ran over to the jet boat and vaulted over the edge. 

"Hey! What are you doing?" The jet boat owner called angrily. Dave pulled out his ID and flashed it quickly. What could he say? The jet boat owner was still looking suspicious.

"...MI5...follow that boat!" Dave cried at last, pointing at the disappearing River Trip boat. Perhaps this was taking the whole James Bond thing a bit too far, but the owner was more likely to believe that than the truth. In fact his face lit up

"Really?" he asked, dragging the mooring rope back in and racing for the wheel. 

"I've always wanted to do that!"

The jet boat bounced across the waves as it sped down the river.

"You do realise that this is probably totally illegal!" the jet boat owner yelled over the noise of the engine. 

"Don't worry, my organisation will make it legal" Dave yelled back, the wind ruffling his hair, the spray splashing over his face. He couldn't believe how easy it had been to persuade the man to take him down river. He had visualised using the memory eraser, and struggling with the controls himself, but that hadn't been necessary. If only catching the hobbits would be that easy!

Liz let out a sigh of relief when she finally saw the remnants of the Fellowship in the distance. She ran up to them, panting heavily.

"Is everything alright?" she asked.

"What is that building?" Aragorn asked pointing at the Globe theatre. "It reminds me of home."

"Speaking of home" Liz interrupted. "Wouldn't you rather go back now?" The remnants of the Fellowship looked at each other as they puzzled this over. Liz smiled in triumph and started to herd them towards the nearest tube station. Suddenly she stopped and froze in fear. Coming towards them was a coach, heading towards the Globe carpark. It was the words stuck onto the windscreen that made Liz's blood turn to ice. Not now..not here! She glanced at Legolas in horror. He didn't seem to notice the danger. 

"Fly! Hide!" she screamed, herding them away from the coach. "This is a foe beyond any of you!"

Liz looked around desperately. There was no obvious shelter, no protection. In despair, she opened one of the back doors to the theatre and hauled the Fellowship inside. The coach sped past to join the others in the carpark. The innocent sounding words on the placard didn't convey the true horror of what lay within.

"Darlington Park - Girls School"

Dave thanked the jet boat owner and tore up the jetty, pushing tourists out of the way. Where were the hobbits? Big Ben was chiming the hour, ignored by most people. Dave sped around in circles, his eyes searching every direction. Where could they be? Suddenly, something prompted him to look up. He noticed one of the capsules on the Millennium Eye rocking slightly. Inside, Gandalf and Frodo were running from side to side, gazing out across the city. Sam could just be seen, a rigid bundle sitting as far away from the glass panels as possible, his eyes tightly closed.

Dave managed to push his way through to the operator. He pointed up at the rocking capsule. 

"Those people are nutters!" the operator volunteered. "They rush on without paying, then when I try to challenge them, they pull out dangerous weapons."

"Were there any more of them?" Dave panted.

"Yeah, two kids, went running off towards Buckingham Palace" Dave groaned and looked down the long road. This was a total nightmare. Why couldn't they stick together.

"Is it possible to keep the capsules locked when they come down?" Dave asked.

"I suppose so" the operator answered, a bit puzzled.

"Can you keep them going round until I come back" Dave asked "Only I'm supposed to round them up, and I've got to collect the other two."

"Can't do that" the man replied. "Other people are paying to have a go."

"Not even if I give you this?" Dave drew 5 crisp tenners out of his pocket. The man's eyes gleamed.

"No problem, Mate" he said. "I'll keep them there all day if you want." Dave hoped the organisation wouldn't mind paying for the trouble this caused. A few minutes later he was on the run again. Next stop, Buckingham Palace.

"Why are we stuck in here?" Gimli complained. It was pitch black, and they were all crammed into a space the size of a cupboard.

"We're hiding from the people on that coach." Liz explained.

"Why? We should stand and fight, not run away" Aragorn complained.

"You don't understand. That coach is full of pupils from Darlington Park Girls School."

"...and?" Boromir sounded unimpressed.

"...I used to go to Darlington Park Girls School. Believe me, we're safer in here" Liz finished. She knew exactly what would happen to the reasonably well behaved class if they saw the Fellowship. They would suddenly transform into 50 desperate Mary-Sues. There was nothing she could do against such uneven numbers. They would have to wait until the coast was clear and get back to Base quickly.

"I've found a way out" Legolas said suddenly as he felt the bottom of a ladder. Before Liz could stop him, he had climbed out of reach, closely followed by Aragorn. Liz fought Boromir to be the next person to climb up and emerged backstage. A lone voice could be heard from an actor on the stage itself. 

"A plague a both your houses! They have made worms' meat of me...."

Sounded like Mercutio was dying. Liz frantically searched behind the screens and piles of props. Where were Legolas and Aragorn? They couldn't have disappeared already. 

Liz peered cautiously out onto the stage. The two actors were circling each other, their swords drawn. There was no sign of the Fellowship.

"Thou wretched boy" Tybalt sneered. "...shalt with him hence!" 

The audience of school kids looked as if they would rather be anywhere than here. 

Romeo flew at Tybalt and they fought their way across the stage. Liz was unimpressed. Once you'd seen the real thing at the battle of Helms Deep, stage fighting no longer impressed.

"...Hey! What's going on?" 

That wasn't Shakespeare's language. Liz looked back out on stage. To her horror, she saw Aragorn storming out towards the actors, his sword drawn. Romeo had halted from dealing Tybalt's death blow and was staring at the angry figure striding towards him.

"Leave him alone!" Aragorn bellowed, hauling the actor playing Tybalt to his feet. He faced Romeo angrily. "Pick on someone your own size." With two powerful strokes, he had broken the flimsy stage sword in two. The audience were sitting up and looking more interested. Some of the teachers were frantically thumbing through their tattered copies of "Romeo and Juliet." Wasn't Tybalt supposed to die?

Liz bundled Boromir and Gimli back down the ladder, then hurried across to get Aragorn back. The actor playing Romeo looked terrified, he knew this was not a carefully choreographed stagefight. He turned and fled, almost howling in fear. Juliet stormed on stage, hands on her hips. 

"What's going on?" she asked. Romeo hid behind her and pointed a shaking hand at Aragorn who was storming across the stage towards them, brandishing his sword. By now, the audience was in hysterics. This was much better than studying Shakespeare in class.

Liz grabbed hold of Aragorn, erased his memory and tried to force him back towards the ladder whilst he was still blinking. Everything was still just about under control, they might still manage to escape unharmed. When without warning, Legolas stepped out onto the stage.

There was a huge intake of breath from the audience. Hundreds of desperate schoolgirls saw him, and the transformation started to take place.

"Run!!" Liz screamed for the second time in the last half hour. She forced Aragorn and Legolas down the ladder and out of the door. They pelted across the wobbly bridge over the Thames, the Mary-Sues streaming out of the Globe like an ants nest behind them. St Pauls Cathedral offered sanctuary if they could get there in time.

This was a race for their lives.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

"Dave! Wait!" Dave turned on the escalator to see Liz hurrying towards him, still trailing the other four members of the Fellowship. Dave waited with the hobbits at the tube station exit as Liz hurried towards him. 

"Still in one piece then?" he joked.

"Just about" she replied as they crossed the road. Base was a tall, grey, imposing building. The hobbits loved the revolving doors at the entrance. It took several rotations to gather them all up again. 

Taking the Fellowship up towards the control room took a long time, and attracted a lot of attention. Most workers had never seen any sign of Middle Earth. They were fascinated by the Fellowship being fascinated with the lifts. The Hobbits' love of pressing buttons meant that they ended up on practically every floor but the correct one. By this time, Liz was seriously running out of patience.

As the doors to the control room slid open, Liz couldn't help feeling a sense of pride as the workers broke into a round of applause. The Boss was waiting, a smile on his face for the first time in living memory. 

"Well done" he congratulated. "We saw the episode with the Buckingham Palace guards and the Trafalgar Square pigeons on the Six O'clock news." He glared at Merry and Pippin who cowered slightly under his piercing gaze.

"Take them back, erase their memories, then we'll shut down" he ordered briskly.

They herded the Fellowship onto the portal platform. Liz entering her ID card for the last time. The transformation was quick and easy. Liz and Dave erased the Fellowship's memories, and watched them blinking as the lights began to glow for the very last time. 

As they returned home and stepped off the platform, Liz looked back to see the engineers removing the large crystal from the operating board, taking it away to be permanently stored.

"That's it then" she said sadly. "The end of an era. What do we do now?" Dave gave her another funny look.

"We'll continue with our jobs as normal" he said. Liz looked at him, puzzled.

"What do you mean? The Warden's job is over. No more Mary-Sues remember." Dave smiled.

"You didn't really think that was the end did you?" he laughed. "We're giving the Fellowship a well earned break, but that's not the end of the Mary-Sues, they'll go somewhere else." Light was beginning to dawn in Liz's eyes.

"You mean that closing down the portal to Middle Earth wasn't the end of our job?"

"Course not." Dave laughed. "There's always Star Wars....!" 

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Just wanted to say one last "Thank-you" for all your reviews! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Any further comments will always be appreciated. Sooo... Let's have a vote! Which is your 'favourite' Mary-Sue and why? Let's see if there is a general trend here!

As for a sequel... well, I have got a few more ideas tucked away. Let's just say I'll definitely consider it if I get enough requests! So it's up to you really. If you want to read more about Liz, Dave and co.... Then let me know!


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